More delay, sorry...

The Sunday post may be late, as I am sick and want to do this right, since it's the last of the season.

Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E11)

Elderly, friendly couple in a small town? They’re kidnapping and eating people, right?

Or it’s a giant dude.

Oh, just a crucified scarecrow.

You SAW it move, you do not respond with “Please let’s just hurry,” you FUCKING RUN!

THANK YOU.

And then the scarecrow has the tattoo or something, right? There has to be a reason they pointed out the tattoo.

Oh, or she just trips over him. At least they didn’t bother with the useless Previously On, but that makes the lackluster title sequence even less lustery.

A demon killed their mom. A demon named SAM!

I’m treating this as confirmation that their dad is trolling them, by the way.

Oh, don’t play Mourning Olympics, that’s just not cool.

Um, no, being a good son doesn’t require blind obedience.

Dean calling someone a selfish bastard is hilarious.

Great, either one will save the other and they’ll cheesily reconcile by the end of the episode, or I’m going to have to follow two storylines about characters I don’t like instead of just one.

I have no idea who this girl is, but I suspect I’m meant to find her “spunky.” Blech.

Oh look, Dean’s ectometer is going off. Another big Twinkie?

The scarecrow is some sort of patchwork zombie creature, isn’t it?

Yep, it’s got his tattoo.

Wow, a gas station where they fill for you? That’s ancient.

They’ve got an evil protector spirit thing going, huh? Once again I find myself reminded of something vastly better, American Gods in this case.

The sheriff just literally ran him out of town. Hilarious.

Wow, it’s like she’s going through everything Sam is! Almost as if her sole purpose in being in the show is to advance Sam’s story!

And then Dean predictably saves them from the scarecrow, yawn.

Ugh, can you stop saying “pagan god”? It’s a god, it’s evil, can we drop the implication that polytheism=evil?

It’s one of the Vanir?

The appropriation and shallowness of the research here BURNS. I just saw Thor 2 over the weekend, and it managed to be less disrespectful to Norse beliefs than this. That’s pretty pathetic.

All the people standing around with umbrellas are going to start chanting “the greater good” any minute.

Why DOES it have to be her? Couldn’t it be an actress who doesn’t sound completely fake when crying?

“For the common good” is close enough.

YES! SHE SAID “THE GREATER GOOD!”

And then quoted Star Trek. Weird.

As it turns out, the apple pie is TOTALLY worth it.

…and I guess in a sense I was right about the old couple eating the victims.

Blah blah Sam saves him and they reconcile, cheesiness on cue.

You really need to stop mentioning the movies you’re ripping off by name, show.

The introduction of gods and demons to the show makes me think of something I read once regarding Shinto, that the difference between a god and a demon is their relationship to humans. To the people in the mountains for whom the river is a source of water, it is a god; to the people in the plains whose house it just washed away in a flood, it’s a demon.

And then the scarecrow god thing kills its worshippers, as evil gods in these sorts of things tend to do.

And then the scarecrow was a tree, I guess?

No, they just found the First Tree somehow, and it was right by that ladder all along. Okay.

Congratulations, Emily, you’re now being haunted by the ghost of an angry evil god.

On the other hand, you claimed a small amount of agency! Good for you!
 
Oh, for FUCK’S SAKE, Dean, can you not be evil for once.

Is Meg going to turn out to be some kind of monster?

…Or an evil cultist, that works. And by “works” I mean “meh, could have been worse, she could have gone back to her family.”

I find it amusing that the first episode to really feel like it’s part of a serialized show is also the first episode with no Previously On.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father (still punking them)
-The living incarnation of anxious masculinity
-Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Jenny (owned their house, lost it in the lawsuit the narrative just forgot about)
-Plumber (lost his house, sued Jenny)
-Jenny’s daughter
-Jenny’s son
-Missouri (I miss her already) 
-Murder-suicide cop (deceased)
-Black cop (not dead, in this show’s most shocking twist yet)
-Gavin (dickweasel)
-Kat (yet another generically pretty blonde)
-Ghosts who just want attention
-Evil psychiatrist ghost (he lives in a Silent Hill level, and not one of the good ones)
-Emily, who gets actual agency and to actively make a decision and literally takes her fate out of Dean’s hands! (she needs a fansite)
-Meg, who gets agency too but is evil
-Evil scarecrow (probably not in the family of blood)
-Evil farmers (FOR THE GREATER GOOD)
Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Missouri counter: 1
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.6
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 0.8
Average Missouri per episode: 0.1 ACCEPTABILITY LEVELS CRITICALLY LOW

Final Rating: 6/10 WOMEN WITH AGENCY! PLOT THAT CROSSES AMERICAN GODS WITH HOT FUZZ! ADD IN MISSOURI OR MAIN CHARACTERS I CARE ABOUT AND THIS COULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST GENUINELY GOOD EPISODE! 

-----

So, as I said yesterday, I'm not doing these anymore. I tried to like the show, and I don't think I'm ever going to. And frankly, snark-watching just isn't my thing--this was an interesting experiment, but I don't think the results were particularly great and I didn't enjoy it at all. I have better things to do with those three hours a week--like watching Veronica Mars, which is delightful so far, or working on My Little Po-Mo vol. 2.

So why didn't this show work for me? Well, first of all, the double fridging in the first episode started it off on a sour note. Dean also was immediately immensely unlikeable for me--in that episode he was a swaggering, sexist bully, and while they backtracked on those elements somewhat in the following episode, he was still obsessed with his anxious masculinity in a tiresome way that the narrative didn't particularly seem to want to criticize. Sam, meanwhile, was just boring generic milquetoast--the comparison to Han Solo and Luke Skywalker in one episode was spot-on.

It's pretty clear by episode 11 that the relationship between the brothers is a central element of the show, which is a problem given that I find them unlikable and their relationship uninteresting.

The other thing the show offers is the monster-of-the-week horror plots. Unfortunately, these have also been utterly uninteresting for me. I simply do not find slasher movies frightening or (usually) interesting; fictional blood and gore and violence just aren't frightening to me. The show seems to have no interest in the kinds of horror I find interesting or frightening--the psychological, the surreal, the kind where neither the audience nor the characters are entirely sure what's real. There's been none of that in the show, and no suggestion it will ever happen.

People have assured me that the show gets better. There is some hint that it's doing so. But I simply don't have time to watch hours and hours of something bad in the hopes it will improve; there's too much good stuff out there I haven't watched yet.

So what do I do with Saturday's now? I'm not sure--probably something related to that week's pony episode, at least while those are on the air. Perhaps a liveblog of the episode?

So Long, Snarky Supernatural Saturdays

I have decided to end the Snarky Supernatural Saturdays for a variety of reasons, mostly that I just don't have time to spend three hours a week on something that I don't enjoy and doesn't create particularly great results.

Especially with work on Volume 2 about to start, I just can't continue to waste the time spent watching the show. It was an interesting experiment, but I think hate-watching just isn't my thing. I'll leave it to people like the That Guy with the Glasses crowd from now on.

ETA: I do have one episode's worth of snark written up, so I'll post that tomorrow, along with a brief writeup of why I think the show didn't work for me.

I'm sure someone spotted this days ago, but...

I haven't actually scene it posted by anyone, and I am proud of myself for noticing it on my own.

Click the picture to expand.

We have to find them before ponies start to panic (Day of the Doctor)/Where I've always been going: Home, the long way around (Princess Twilight Sparkle)

Saturday was a day of new directions.

It often is, of course. Biblically, Saturday was the day after creation, a long deep breath before history began. In real life, as the day after the workweek ends for most of us, it's a day for the sort of leisure activities that make self-discovery and expression possible, the day when we connect with friends or work on our hobbies and interests. Life-altering experiences tend not to happen when we're going about our regular routines, and there's rarely time for much else on workdays.

But this particular Saturday--the most recent, as of the time of posting--was in particular a day of new directions for the two current shows I follow most closely, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic and Doctor Who. Both episodes were milestones; "Princess Twilight Sparkle" marks the beginning of the fourth season of Friendship Is Magic, meaning it now has more seasons than the other two My Little Pony TV series combined--and later this season will surpass them in combined episode count, as well. More impressively, of course, this was the fiftieth anniversary of Doctor Who, which is a massive achievement for any television show (not quite a record, however; Guiding Light predates television and lasted until 2009). It was also, by the way, the largest simulcast of a drama to date, and the 123rd episode/serial of the series to use "The Thing of the Stuff" as a title.

Both were highly entertaining episodes, but not quite in the top tier of their respective shows. What both did do, however, was dramatically transform key elements of the show, removing long-standing plot devices and introducing new ones.

Interestingly, while my prediction partially happened (and neither my hope nor fear occurred) for "Princess Twilight Sparkle," "Day of the Doctor" was everything I feared, nothing I predicted or hoped for--and yet both episodes were entertaining and satisfying. Part of that is that "Day of the Doctor" did something I have been wanting (but not daring to hope for) ever since the episode title "The Next Doctor" was announced years ago: a multi-Doctor special in which a future incarnation appears. Part is just the sheer fannish joy of seeing thirteen doctors on screen together, even if nine of them are stock footage. (Though I will say, with the sole exception of his last scene, and much as I love John Hurt, his part could have gone to Christopher Eccleston's Ninth Doctor, and it would have been a stronger episode for it. Admittedly, that last scene does make him checking his ears in the mirror in "Rose" retroactively hilarious.) And it was wonderful to have Hurt stand in as the voice of classic-fan criticisms of the new series, criticizing the kissing, the way his successors held their sonics, the catchphrases, the youth of the new Doctors... it helped tremendously to reduce the weight of self-importance that threatens always to overwhelm any episode created as a celebration of a milestone.

"Princess Twilight Sparkle" in many ways was similar--both had strong running themes of time and memory, with significant flashbacks and a menace from the past, long-buried, emerging in the present. "Princess Twilight Sparkle" was rather lighter, of course, being mostly concerned with how Twilight and her friends deal with her new role as princess, and reassuring the audience that this will not derail the show or her character. A number of lines seem to be there just to reassure fans, such as Rarity saying that they need to meet to talk about redecorating her loft, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie contradicting Rarity's claim that every pony dreams of becoming a princess, and Twilight's nervous freakout (now with added flight-based physical comedy).

Both episodes are heavily about visiting moments that have been teased from the beginning (well, a beginning in the case of Doctor Who, namely the 2005 relaunch)--the rise and fall of Nightmare Moon, Celestia and Luna's battle with Discord, and the origin of the Elements of Harmony for Friendship Is Magic, the Time War and fall of Gallifrey for Doctor Who. In the case of the former, it was more or less what we expected, except that the origins of the Elements of Harmony were something of a surprise--they originate from the newly introduced, crystalline Tree of Harmony, which we must assume is the axis mundi of Equestria, its World Tree. Crystal trees have actually always been a personally relevant symbol for me, since they visually resemble a neuron and thus can be both the axis mundi and the axon, the Tree of the World and the individual soul. All of that now feeds into the Elements of Harmony--vessels of light representing aspects of the self, fruit of the Tree of the World (which is also, of course, the twin Trees of Life and Knowledge) that is also the soul--which are now revealed to have been the Sephiroth all along. Of course the focal Element manifested as a crown--it's Kether!

The Time War, on the other hand, is depicted exactly the way I feared: as a series of explosions and laser beams. But I'm okay with this, because all we actually see is the final battle of a war of attrition that has stretched across all of history. I am willing to accept the beam weapons and fire as the Kardashev IV equivalent of being reduced to throwing sticks and rocks at one another. And yes, Clara is depicted as being Essence of Generic Companion, but in a brilliant twist, Ten and Eleven take on the companion role as well (Hurt--was he cast just so his character can be referred to as the Hurt Doctor?--explicitly names them as such) and together the three of them do what the companions do. Remember my (well, Phil Sandifer's, really) breakdown of the four essential elements of Doctor Who: the TARDIS is the extradiegetic space that connects all conceivable diegetic spaces, the Doctor is the man who goes into those spaces, the monsters give him something to fight against once he's there, and the companions give him something to fight for. That is what the War Doctor has lost that makes him no longer the Doctor, and it is what the Moment, Clara, Ten, and Eleven collectively give him back. (And why I adore that he earns his space in the ending credits as all the Doctors whoosh by, just after McGann and before Eccleston.)

What both episodes do, as I mentioned at the start, is take their respective series in fascinating new directions. In the case of "Day of the Doctor," it's a massive plot transformation. A big part of the premise of the new series has been the Doctor's status as the last of the Time Lords, the sole survivor of Gallifrey. His survivor's guilt has haunted all his new series incarnations, most visibly Nine and Eleven--but Gallifrey has been too important a part of the series' history to stay gone forever. We've always known that sooner or later it has to come back. Yet ironically, by bringing Gallifrey back from the dead and giving the Doctor a quest to find it, the show creates a way to keep it gone forever. The universe is vast and the Doctor has no idea where to look--he can continue wandering at random forever now, always hoping to find Gallifrey.

The confirmation that Gallifrey stands (in direct contradiction to Rassilon's claim in "The End of Time" that it must either rise or fall) from Tom Baker as a future Doctor repeating a past face. At last the show has firmly exploded the silly fan obsession with the regeneration limit! Including Hurt, Capaldi ought to be the last Doctor according to that one throwaway line in a crap episode everybody insists on treating as absolute fact despite being contradicted repeatedly in later and better episodes. At the same time, given Baker's age, the pace of the series, and how long Doctors' tenures tend to last, it is highly unlikely that we will see a future incarnation of the Doctor played by Tom Baker--which means the Doctor can never retire.

The transformation of Friendship Is Magic is, to a small extent, a change to the premise--the Elements of Harmony are now gone. However, they only ever really factored into five episodes: the premiere, the two Discord episodes, "Magical Mystery Cure," and "Princess Twilight Sparkle." They are not really an essential part of the premise, any more than Twilight being a unicorn and not a princess is--as Applejack and Twilight discuss in the episode, it is the continued friendship between the characters that matters. More important by far is the promise of the episode's ending: a fruit has emerged from the base of the tree, a crystalline box (six Elements, plus three cutie marks, plus this box: it is the tenth and lowest Sephirah, Malkuth, the Kingdom, which is to say the World) with six locks opened by unknown keys. The very strong implication is that those keys will be created or found in episodes to come, an explicit story (as opposed to character) arc. The show has never had one of those before, and the possibilities it opens up are enormous. Not so much in the quest itself (presumably, they will collect the six keys and acquire the Infinity Gauntlet/Triforce/Conscience Machine by the end of the season), but rather in the very idea of a multi-episode arc. Unlike Doctor Who, Friendship Is Magic's premise is not inherently infinitely extensible, and as such fiddling with the structure of the show like this on occasion can have a profound regenerative effect. On the other hand, it is a sign that the show is starting to struggle to find stories within its original structure, necessitating the new one.

So, in Doctor Who, we have the promise of an end that opens up immortality, and in Friendship Is Magic we have a new beginning as a sign of aging. Either way, these upcoming seasons are going to be something new. My shows are evolving.

Day of the Doctor 3D

Having now seen both versions of "Day of the Doctor," I can unhesitatingly say that it is one of the very short list of things better in 3D. It's also on the very lengthy list of things that are better with a large and enthusiastic audience.

Finally got around to seeing Thor 2...

It was okay I guess? I found myself suffering from serious action fatigue in the fight on Svartalfheim with Thor and Loki. The movie was a little too heavy by that point, needed something fun. My biggest issue with the film, however, was the fact that none of the women had any motivation or agency of their own; they all existed solely to support the dudes.

Overall, though, I still had fun. It was entertaining enough to be worth it, if not as good as The Avengers or even Iron Man 3.

Sometimes it's just really fun to be scared (MMMMystery on the Friendship Express)

Sergeant Sherlock Pie inspects the new recruits.

It's April 7, 2012. The top song and top movie have not budged. In the news, less than 1% of the population of the District of Columbia votes in its Republican presidential primary, the 30th anniversary of the Falkland War occurs, and Sky News (part of the Rupert Murdoch empire along with a number of newspapers, Fox News, and some sheep ranches) admits to hacking email accounts, which would have fit well with last episode.

But this episode is "MMMMystery on the Friendship Express," directed by Jayson Thiessen and written by a nigh-unrecognizable Amy Keating Rogers. None of her problematic signatures are on display here; there are no reflexively applied toxic memes or stereotypes, no Applejack worship (indeed, she's barely in the episode), just some silly fun with Pinkie Pie being weird and lots of allusions. 

Most notable, of course, is Murder on the Orient Express, of which this episode is straightforwardly a parody. The most immediately obvious references are in the plot: a train suspiciously devoid of passengers unrelated to the story (in the novel, excuses are given as to why no one outside of one sleeper car could be involved, but the train nonetheless feels curiously small) becomes a crime scene. A skilled detective (Twilight in the show, Poirot in in the book) investigates, accompanied by an incompetent detective (Pinkie Pie here merges the characters of the doctor and M. Bouc) who falls for red herrings and makes accusations based on spurious reasoning. In the end, it turns out everyone is guilty except for the investigators themselves, but a solution is found so that no one is punished. One of the criminals even disguises themselves as a worker on the train, while another fakes leaving it while remaining on board!

More interesting, perhaps, are the structural similarities. "Friendship Express" does not match "Orient Express" beat for beat, even when one takes into account that the cast of the episode is half that of the book. However, both the book and the episode have an intricate, nested structure: a first part that introduces the characters; a series of short vignettes featuring each suspect in turn; a period of clue-gathering in which the incompetent detective is baffled and the competent detective confident and businesslike; and finally a denouement in whih the truth is revealed. The biggest differences are that the vignettes are the second phase in the episode and clue-gathering third, the reverse of the book, and the occurrence of a second crime in the episode, committed by all the characters Pinkie Pie falsely accused in the first. Additionally, the vignettes in both establish innocence for the characters featured in them, but in the show this is because they are falsely accused, while in the book they are providing alibis for one another. 

These vignettes, along with the scene where the lights go out, followed by the revelation of a new crime, and the fact that the second incident involves three simultaneous acts of vandalism, all recall the film Clue, itself a parody of the Agatha Christie-style upper-class closed-circle mystery of which Murder on the Orient Express is frequently upheld as a paragon. Rather famously, that film was released with three different endings, which were distributed to different theaters, but nearly twenty years on from that, the TV and home video versions are far more familiar, which play all three endings in sequence--each is shown, then immediately dismissed using silent movie-style placards, and the next is shown. In much the same way, each of Pinkie Pie's accusations is shown, then dismissed by Twilight Sparkle--her first accusation is even done in a silent movie style!

There is quite a mix of media going on here, connecting a novel, two films (as the nearest source for the episode is not so much the Agatha Christie novel itself as the 1974 film based on it), and the board game from which Clue is adapted, and the episode reflects that, connecting styles and eras of film that deal with suspense and uncertainty. The episode as a whole, of course, references the closed-circle mysteries of the 1930s, while the griffin chef's vignette references silent film, and more specifically the action serials typified by The Perils of Pauline. Doughnut Joe's vignette is a 1960s martini-and-tuxedos spy thriller of the type today best remembered for James Bond, and the mule's is a pastiche of the kung fu films of the 1970s.

We are back, in other words, on the theme of time, and in particular in the way in which different periods of pop culture expressed and experienced suspense and action--largely the domain of predatory figures in the silent film era and the 1930s, but a source of pleasure and excitement in later periods. It is a demonstration that even our feelings are subject to cultural shifts, can change their meaning from generation to generation.

There is an oft-repeated truism that the popularity of film genres shifts with the times: in times of war and economic turmoil, comedies and fantasies are more popular, while in stable periods of peace and prosperity dramas and thrillers are more popular. People who are afraid and stressed want to laugh and to escape; people who are comfortable and safe want pathos and adventure. What kinds of emotional states are experienced as pleasurable is in part dependent on the state of the culture, in other words.

It is a direct challenge to the season's other major theme, love. If even our emotions are mere to signifiers, changing according to cultural context, does it not follow that love is a cultural construct? For all the claims that it conquers all, that it is eternal and can outlast time, can it really be just a matter of cultural programming that makes us regard it as one of the loftiest goals, where another culture might place duty, glory, responsibility, any of a host of other ideals? How far can this be extended? Is it possible to imagine a culture so boring that fear becomes the most sought-after emotion, so that horror movies and amusement parks become regarded as among the highest forms of art? Is it possible to imagine a culture where love is not desired at all?

Or, perhaps, are there limits? How we feel about feelings is clearly at least partially determined by the culture around us, yes, but is it a matter of influences tugging one way or the other on emotions that do have an underlying tendency to be viewed as positive or negative by most people? In other words, is love something that most people want regardless of culture, but culture influences how much they want it?

These are likely not questions that have solid, certain answers. We may never know the answer, but an answer can be assayed--and the show is about to do just that.

Next week: Amorivorous doppelgangers, giant glowing hearts, and some seriously excellent music.

Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E09-10)

Episode 9: Home

Previously on Supernatural... wait, this is different! It... has nothing whatsoever to do with the last seven episodes, but it’s different! (Damn, and I had a good joke lined up for it being the same, too. It was an Arrested Development reference, it would have been great. Even when you do what I want, you still disappoint me, show.)

I was SO sure the monster in the closet was going to grab her and drag her screaming back into it. I want a monster-in-the-closet episode.

Telekinetic monsters in the closet are the best monsters in the closet.

Yeah, of COURSE the evil house is the old Winchester place. I wonder if they’re named after the rifle manufacturers, what with the whole Mystery Mansion thing.

Did this show just kill off a kid? Because that would get it like one and half, two points for sheer ballsiness.

Nope. Nope, It Was All A Dream. Probably a Prophetic Dream (tm).

I hate prophecy as a narrative device, it’s the ultimate Because The Plot Said So.

Sam has dreams about horrible things happening to people and then they do? Evil-baby powers confirmed.

“First you tell me that you’ve got the shining—“ “That’s shinning. Yeh wanna be sued?”

Thus far this entire series has been set in flyover country, have you noticed?

Did they just NOT LIE about who they are? It’s almost like they’re capable of learning from past experience!

Or at least, Sam is.

The woman living in their house looks REALLY familiar, but I can’t place her. There’s something slightly odd about her mouth?

Richie is a juice junkie? OH NO, RICHIE IS POSSESSED BY THE EVIL TIME-TRAVELING GHOST OF BUSTER BLUTH! HE’S A TIME TRAVELER, HE CAN EXIST LATER IN THE TIMELINE THEN WHEN HE WAS DEFEATED!

Turns out it is the thing that killed their mom and Jessica, they beat it, find jobs as cropdusters, and the next eight and a half seasons are a workplace comedy.

If Dean has been in contact with their dad all along...

Oh, no, just leaving messages.

Is Dean wearing a wedding ring?

They’re not lying! Dean is capable of human emotion! The previously on changed! This is EASILY the best episode yet.
Oh Jesus fuck it’s one of those evil monkeys. Does ANYONE buy those outside of horror movies/shows? Owning one is like ASKING to be sucked into the bowels of hell or whatever.

Garbage disposal turns on. Calling it.

Ow. Yeah. Called it. And the monkey is all like “Ha ha!” because those little monkeys are almost as evil as evil-babies.

He started reading strange old books? Great, that’s ALWAYS a good idea, it never leads to discovering Secrets Man Was Not Meant to Know.

Cold-bangin..? What the hell is that? No, no, I don’t want to know, it’ll only upset me.

Wow, she’s good at cold-reading. That or she’s the one psychic on Earth that isn’t a fraud, but what are the odds?

Still, I like her. She’s tough.

Oh my god, is it going to LITERALLY fridge the kid? That would be THE BEST.

Ha!

Yeah, of course he wasn’t in any danger. International Guild of Ghosts and Demons union rules, evil-babies are safe.
Can Missouri come on ALL their investigations?

In fact, can we just stop following the Winchesters and get the Missouri show?

I mean, much as I hate psychics, I gotta say I love how she takes none of their shit.

It's all down to the actress, really. She's been handed a part that's nothing but stereotypical Magical Negro, with the whole "black women are bossy" stereotype ladled liberally on top, but she OWNS it and just OOZES charisma.

The second spirit is holding the poltergeist out because it’s the ghost of their mom, right?

Oh god, they’re going to kill off Missouri, aren’t they?

I like how the poltergeist can easily attack all three when they’re on different floors, but only one at a time when they’re in the same room.

The kitchen is TRASHED. Jenny is gonna be PISSED.

I just want Missouri to swoop in and tell Dean off every time he’s about to say or do anything.
Okay, there’s still ten minutes left to the episode and we haven’t found out exactly what Jenny’s running from. SOMETHING needs to explode.

Zelda Rubenstein? Who?

Okay, the TOTES DRAMATIC ZOOMS are getting straight-up silly.

Sam’s getting beat up by an invisible force, bet that saved on guest stars.

Ghost of their mom. Called it.

“Sam. I’m sorry.” “For what?” “For the affair with Satan that spawned you, evil-baby mine.”

Yes, yes, and the mom chases the poltergeist away.

“What’s happening to me?” When an evil-baby reaches a certain age, they may notice... changes, such as horns where no horns existed before, prophetic dreams, and a newfound interest in girls.

Missouri comes home to find their dad waiting for her, right?
Of course he’s there.

“I want to see them so much, but it would ruin the Greatest Dad Prank of All Time!”

Huh, so apparently this show *does* have a plot after all! I wonder if they bothered pretending they knew where it was going, like X-Files, or just copped to making it up as they went along like Buffy.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father
-Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Couldn’t be a bully OR assert his hegemonic masculinity this episode, because Missouri is the best
-Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control Now also has dreams about horrible things happening to innocent families, he’s clearly a complete monster.
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased) Came back as a ghost, sacrificed herself to save said male characters. Got to speak maybe three words.
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate
Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased)
-Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities
-Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased)
-The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper Possessed an evil-baby, thirsts for juice.
-Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby. (disappointing)
-Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
-Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
-Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over(deceased, technically not fridged)
-1x Magical Native American(presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
-Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)
-Jenny (still being sued, apparently, did we just forget that?)
-Plumber (lost his hand to a garbage disposal, in 20 years he will be the origin of the legend of Plungerhand)
-Jenny’s daughter Has a literal monster in her closet, it’s pretty great
-Jenny’s son Evil-baby, possessed by the evil time-traveling ghost of Buster Bluth, thirsts for juice, got actually, literally fridged. Basically the most perfect character this show has had or likely will ever have.
-Missouri, is also basically the best.
-Winchester pere, manages to be both a milquetoast AND a dick, so I guess that confirms he’s really their dad.

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Missouri counter: 1
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.78
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1
Average Missouri per episode: 0.11 UNACCEPTABLE

Final Rating: 6/10 IF THE ENTIRE SHOW WERE THIS GOOD I MIGHT OCCASIONALLY CHOOSE TO WATCH IT IF NOTHING ELSE WERE ON

Episode 10: Asylum

Previously on Supernatural, the show was actually all right. So how are you going to disappoint me today, show?

Oh look, it’s a previously on with none of last episode. They’re just going to ignore that all that happened, aren’t they?

Oh joy, a haunted mental hospital. I’m sure this will be respectful and well-researched in regards to its treatment of mental illness.

Bolt cutters!? Why, that would imply that local children have access to hardware stores and/or their parents’ toolsheds!

Black Guy Dies First in 3... 2... 1...

Oh COME ON, what could POSSIBLY be in a mental hospital that gets a biohazard sign ON THE DOOR? This isn’t Silent Hill!

Oh hey, the ghosts are going for the white cop. Quite the unexpected switch-up there, show.

Great, a bonethief got him and is wearing his skin.

...Man, how did I get this far without referencing the best horror game ever?

Okay, I was about to get squicked out that SOMEHING ELSE was going to have sex with his wife in his body. Killing her is marginally less squicky?
That only counts as a fridge if someone the audience cares about cares about her, by the way.

Those are pretty imprecise coordinates. I’m surprised it’s only one town.
What if it’s not their dad? I mean obviously it is because he’s setting up all these things and then sending them there as part of the Epic Dad Prank. But what if it’s someone else fucking with them?

I love when they consult their Junior Woodchucks Guidebook.

Okay, that was a pretty clever twist on their usual doomed-to-failure fake identities.

None of them are particularly great, but I don’t think it’s really a contest. Hewitt, obviously.

“Maybe it’s more like Amityville.” “You mean a known and obvious hoax?”

Why are they both assuming the text message came from their dad?

Okay, I would honestly rather see Sam talk about his brother than find out about the South Wing, but that would require the writers to come up with a modicum of personality for him, so, you know.

This is one of those creepy dudes who reads up on psychology and tries to apply it to dating, isn’t it? He’s read about arousal misattribution and so he’s trying to deliberately terrify his date so she’ll like him more. I hope he fries... but he’s probably going to end up killing her, because that’s the show.

Dude, that sillhouette behind him looks like it has ears. Is it Batman?

That face-shaking effect is NEVER SCARY, why do horror things bother with it?

Also: OH NOES, it’s haunted by the ghost of NAVI! No wonder it drives visitors “insane”: “Hey, listen! Hey! Listen!”

These ghosts are pretty clearly Xel’lotath-aligned, they should enchant their shotgun with Chatturg’ha runes.

Right, Dean, because the right way to go through life is cowering in terror from every rumor, hiding under the bed.

Gavin is like a DEAN-caliber asshole. “Scarred for life” my ass. “Oh noes, I kissed someone who wasn’t Hollywood pretty, it is the WORST THING EVER.”

You’d be better off attacking the hinges, Dean, you AMATEUR.
HE whispered in your ear, not “it,” you vitalist.

Okay, WHY is Dean going alone? There’s no urgency here, they could both lead the kids out and then go back in.

Okay, that panel was pretty bloody obvious. How did the police miss that when looking for the bodies?

Wait, if the ghosts create enough static to show up on the EMF, how are their cell phones working?

And of course the biohazard room again. Was that a SECRET DOOR? This hospital IS from a video game.

Can you imagine the construction workers? “Um, so you want a... secret... door... in your hospital? That’s... different.”

Blah blah, angry evil ghost psychiatrist makes people “crazy” because that’s what psychiatrists do.

Seriously, have you ever noticed that, in media, EVERYTHING related to the mental health profession defaults to evil? The patients, the doctors, the treatments, the facilities...

Okay, I can SEE the outline of the secret door. There’s a line of light!

Blah blah brotherly love triumphs over the evil ghost doctor.
How did that not even damage Dean’s shirt?

But the guy didn’t hesitate at all to kill his wife, because apparently “bros before hos” is an actual law of nature in this universe. Blegh.

Okay, giving him an unloaded gun was fairly clever, and definitely better than The Power of Love. That only works if we see the characters earn it.

Okay, that’s the second thing I’ve seen TONIGHT where a lighter stays lit when thrown. I am like 90% certain lighters do not work that way.

“Now you kids spend the rest of your lives cowering in terror, ‘kay? Don’t try to take control of the horror in your lives by fighting back the way we did, you’re designated victims, not main characters.”

And then their dad calls them, I guess? Meh, I’m sure they’ll find some way to make next week a pure Monster of the Week anyway.
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father (still punking them)
-The living incarnation of anxious masculinity He just hasn’t been bullying much lately, so I changed his description. Unfortunately it wasn’t so much character development as character drift.
-Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control Supposedly had massive breakthroughs in a single psychiatry session. Yeah, right. Also, you don’t go to psychiatrists for therapy, there aren’t enough psychiatrists for that. You go to have a focused conversation with the goal of getting a diagnosis and a prescription. Psychologists and social workers are where you get talk therapy.
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby. (disappointing)
-Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
-Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
-Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over(deceased, technically not fridged)
-1x Magical Native American(presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
-Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)
-Jenny (owned their house, lost it in the lawsuit the narrative just forgot about)
-Plumber (lost his house, sued Jenny)
-Jenny’s daughter
-Jenny’s son
-Missouri (I miss her already)
-Murder-suicide cop (deceased)
-Black cop (not dead, in this show’s most shocking twist yet)
-Gavin (dickweasel)
-Kat (yet another generically pretty blonde)
-Ghosts who just want attention
-Evil psychiatrist ghost (he lives in a Silent Hill level, and not one of the good ones)
Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Missouri counter: 1
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.7
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 0.9
Average Missouri per episode: 0.1 EVEN LESS ACCEPTABLE

Final Rating: 4/10 MEH BUT COULD BE WORSE

Doctor Who 50th Anniversary: Predictions, Hopes, Fears

The 50th Anniversary is tomorrow! Do you have any thoughts on it? What do you think is going to happen? What do you hope is going to happen? What are you worried might happen?

Here's mine:

• Prediction: The entire episode (or vast majority) will take place in the Doctor's mind/history/living crack in time from Clara's perspective, because heavily abstracted metaphors are the only way the Time War can be shown without disappointing massively.
• Hope: Clara will do something to make her something other than Generic Essence of Companion.
• Fears: Clara will continue to be Generic Essence of Companion. The Time War will be a bunch of explosions.

This is a wild speculation post, so feel free to reply with your own ideas!

MLP:FIM Premiere: Predictions, Hopes, Fears

The Season Four premiere is only a couple of days away! Do you have any thoughts on it? What do you think is going to happen? What do you hope is going to happen? What are you worried might happen?

Here's mine:

• Prediction: Twilight will travel into Luna's memories to learn the origins of Nightmare Moon as part of dealing with a new crisis, which may or may not be Nightmare Moon-related.
• Hope: Celestia meant it when she said "We're all your students now" in the Season Three finale. The premiere ends with Celestia writing a Dear Princess Twilight letter.
• Fear: Twilight loses her wings at the end of the premiere. I actually don't think her getting wings or becoming a princess is an inherently good or bad idea, it all came down to execution, and in my opinion they executed it well. More importantly, however, backtracking this quickly on something that was that big a deal last season would be very disappointing.

This is a wild speculation post, so feel free to reply with your own ideas!

Book Review: A Golden Thread by Philip Sandifer

It should come as no surprise to long-time readers that I have been heavily influenced by Dr. Sandifer’s work; it would only be a slight overstatement to say that My Little Po-Mo is an outright ripoff of his TARDIS Eruditorum. So it should equally come as no surprise that I was quite excited by the prospect of a book by him at the intersection of two of my favorite topics, DC Comics and feminism. But A Golden Thread is not a feminist study of Wonder Woman per se; rather, much as TARDIS Eruditorum uses Doctor Who as a window through which to view British utopianism throughout its run, A Golden Thread uses Wonder Woman as a window onto the history of feminism in the U.S.

This is not, however, Themyscira Eruditorum; rather than in-depth analyses of individual Wonder Woman issues or story arcs, it takes a high-level look at different eras of the comic, studying how these eras respond to the issues of previous eras in ways that reflect or reject the feminist currents of the time. Of particular note are the early chapters on Marston, the creator of Wonder Woman, which identify, and then explicitly avoid, the usual approach of identifying him as the sexually deviant inventor of the lie detector, as if that explains all that need be explained about Wonder Woman. Instead, the book explores his professional writings and other projects, building a case that Wonder Woman was simply the most successful of multiple attempts to express Marston’s peculiar brand of utopian, gender-essentialist feminism and his vision of a matriarchal society defined by willing, loving submission rather than coercive, forceful domination.

That this vision failed, while the comic based on it succeeded, is key to the book’s premise regarding feminism, that social progress is a matter of “making new mistakes.” For example, the chapter on the “I Ching” era of Wonder Woman, in which she was depowered, becomes a chronicle of the mistakes of second-wave feminism in general and Gloria Steinem in particular. The book never quite reaches for the claim, but the suggestion that the I Ching era was foreshadowing the third wave is an easy one for the reader to fill in.

Therein lies one of the major differences between this book and Dr. Sandifer’s other work: restraint. It is a double-edged sword; on the one hand, there is nothing in this book remotely as gloriously outré as the Blakean take on “The Three Doctors” in the third volume of TARDIS Eruditorum, let alone the Qabbalistic Tarot “Logopolis” Choose Your Own Adventure in the upcoming fourth volume. On the other, it is more accessible by far than TARDIS Eruditorum or especially The Last War in Albion, his ongoing study of Alan Moore and Grant Morrison.

Which is not to say that the usual Sandifer flavor is absent! His distaste for organized fandom shows up strongly here, as he blames the emergence of such (probably deservedly) for the post-World War II decline of the comic. He also, as usual, does not shy away from mounting strong defenses of indefensible positions, in this case trying to argue that the animated Wonder Woman movie is inferior to the David Kelly-produced television pilot. His criticisms of the former are accurate and cutting—it is a far from perfect film—but he defends the latter against a strawman, ignoring the strongest criticism of the pilot, that it depicts Wonder Woman as a remorseless and unhesitating killer.

Nonetheless, the book stands as an excellent microhistory of Wonder Woman, accessible even to a reader who knows little of her comics (such as myself—I know her mostly through the DCAU, her appearances in crossovers, and the Gail Simone run), highly informative, and engaging. It is worth the price for the fresh take on Marston alone, but the rest of the book has much to offer as well.

Heheh. Who knows? (Ponyville Confidential)

Due to how late this post went up Monday, there will be no Tuesday post. Regular updates resume Wednesday.

Sweetie Belle has just discovered the awesome power
of coffee. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo are unimpressed.

It's March 31, 2012, and the top song is still "We Are Young," as it will be for the remainder of the season. The top movie is also unchanged, as The Hunger Games has its second of four weekends at number one. In the news, in the wake of a scandal surrounding wealthy donors paying for access to him, Prime Minister of Britain David Cameron publishes a list of the donors who did so; Visa and MasterCard have a massive security breach which potentially compromises more than 10 million credit card numbers; and the London Metropolitan police make a scandal of their own when a black man they arrested uses his cell phone to record them abusing him and using racial slurs.

On TV we have "Ponyville Confidential," the antepenultimate episode of Season Two, written by M.A. Larson going unusually light on the outside references and directed by Jayson Thiessen. A Cutie Mark Crusader episode, it returns to their core motivation--where in their last episode they were motivated as much as or more by concern for Cheerilee as getting their cutie marks, here the cutie marks are their primary concern once more.

On the surface, this appears to be a fairly typical story of the "journalism is a corrupting and invasive industry that ruins lives for profit" ilk. (Are there any industries that don't?) However, it contains a distinct oddity that makes it stand out both from other, similar stories and from the rest of the Cutie Mark Crusader episodes: at the end of the story, the CMC are still on the student newspaper, which neither collapses or continues on in villainy, but instead has a change of leadership and increase in outside guidance.

If not about the evils of journalism, then, what is this episode about? Generally speaking, a work can be said to be about (among other things) whatever it is that the core conflict is fought over and with. In this case, there are two major conflicts: first, between "Gabby Gums" and the townsfolk who are hurt by the stories she tells about them, and second between the CMC and Diamond Tiara, who blackmails them into continuing to work for her. In that light, it becomes rather clearer, since these are essentially the same conflict, between those who wish to establish their own identities and those who wish to control them--in other words, it is once again a conflict between freedom and power.

The descent of Gabby Gums begins innocently enough, with a funny, embarrassing story about Snips and Snails that the two foals are happy to have shared--indeed, they even try to recreate the incident later in the hopes of being at the center of attention once more. Some people seek out attention, whether by taking public office, pursuing fame, or committing crimes, and by so doing give up some of their right to privacy and self-definition. 

Most people, however, do not. Gabby Gums is soon revealing irrelevant stories about public figures (the mayor's hair-dying "scandal") and, worse still, exposing the secrets of private individuals (publishing Rarity's diary, for example). Eventually, Gabby Gums crosses the line into outright making up stories about the citizens of Ponyville.

This may seem an odd choice at first. While they are both classic examples of journalistic malfeasance, there is not an obvious progression from invasion of privacy to libel. However, the inclusion of the second conflict makes the connection more clear. Blackmail, libel, and invasion of privacy all have something in common: they are all violations of the right to define oneself. Libel is the most obvious--publically lying about a person obscures the truth I who they are. However, blackmail or privacy violation is equally a violation of self-definition; what a person chooses not to reveal defines their public persona just as much as what they choose to reveal, and so blackmail is as much an attack on their public persona as libel. In this context, whether or not the information is true is secondary to whether it disrupts one's ability to create an identity for oneself.

That is why this had to be a Cutie Mark Crusader story as opposed to, say, Twilight or Rarity getting involved in the local paper: because the CMC's own quest is to figure out who they are, they are the perfect characters for a story about how easy it is to gain power by defining for others who they are allowed to be. 

Of course, like any rights, there are limits to the right of self-definition, determined by where it comes into contact with other rights. Printing that the mayor dyes her hair to look older than she is may be justifiable if she ever used he apparent age to imply greater experience in a campaign. Rarity snooping in Sweetie Belle's bag early in the episode is unjustifiable, but once she has reason to suspect that Sweetie Belle may have stolen her diary, it becomes a more reasonable course of action. There is such a thing as too much freedom to self-define.

We live in an age where, paradoxically, privacy is increasingly difficult to maintain in the offline world, yet most of the social ills to be found online can be traced to an excess of anonymity. Given an unlimited freedom to define an identity, a small but virulent minority choose to define no identity at all, instead reveling in the ability to lie, troll, and generally disrupt any community in which they find themselves. This is known as the online disinhibition effect, and one of its major causes is precisely the dissociative anonymity that Gabby Gums provides the CMC: she is an invention, a cipher, that enables the CMC to engage in toxic activity they never would have dare undertake in their usual identities. The cure for such behavior, as the CMC themselves experience, is light: stripped of their anonymity, they come clean, apologize, and endeavor to do better going forward.

The balancing act, therefore, is between the need for privacy to create a space within which people can define themselves, and the need to shine light on people who abuse that privacy and anonymity. Consider the three news stories with which I began this article: neither the Prime Minister nor any of those credit card holders wished their information to get out, and I doubt the London police knew they were being recorded. All three involve taking away from someone the power to define what information about them is presented to the world. Yet instinctively we recognize that exposing malfeasance by those in power is a good reason to take that power, and stealing credit card numbers a bad reason.

The Internet has intensified both sides of the equation, creating both new ways to communicate anonymously and new ways to discover information about others. Ultimately, however, it is an equation that has already been solved. It might not be as simple as replacing the editor-in-chief and bringing in more teacher supervision, but the answers are out there.

Next week: Didn't we already do pony Rashomon? Oh well, this is closer to pony Murder on the Orient Express anyway.

Sorry all, another late post

The post on "Ponyville Confidential" has hit some snags. It'll be up Sunday, but I can't say for certain when.

ETA: No, actually, not Sunday. Either early Monday A.M. (if I'm able to do it before work) or Monday evening (if I'm not). Sorry.

Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E6-8)

Episode 6: Skin

 Previously on Supernatural, lightning sound effects! And we still have made a new Previously On! Or gotten opening credits!

Oh look. A women being held prisoner by a guy with a nasty knife. How original, show. Women depicted as helpless and endangered, nobody’s done THAT before.

Surprise! The cops are incompetent and let a criminal get away. I sure didn’t see that coming.

The SWAT team, of course, is all male.

Oh hey, Dean is a serial killer. I find this development equally unsurprising.

(And yes, of course obviously this’ll be a doppelganger story or something, but let me hope.)

Dean is giving a lecture about lying? What a fucking asshole.

Okay, look: People kill their significant others. And EVERY TIME there are friends and family who say “They didn’t do it, they’re not the type.” Dirty little secret of humanity: there is no “the type.” There are no monsters and no angels, only people being people.

Once again I find myself spending the early part of the episode DESPERATELY HOPING that there’s nothing supernatural going on. I want a series about two brothers traveling the country meddling in Supernatural problems and ALWAYS BEING WRONG. Of course, that’s what I wanted the X-Files to be, too: The Scully is always right but Mulder never stops believing show.

Basically I want this show to be a dramatic, violent Scooby-Doo.

30 seconds after I mention Scooby-Doo, a dog shows up. The dog saw everything. IT KNOWS ALL. BOW BEFORE YOUR CANINE MASTER.

Yep, shapeshifter monster. Turns into men and kills their girlfriends.

You know, what made Buffy great was that the monsters, as they are in all the best monster movies and stories, are reifications of things within the characters, their fears and hopes and traumas brought to life. Supernatural’s monsters are just kinda... there. Like, this would be a great monster if there were some identity issues in play for our characters, or trust issues... but there’s diddly squat here.

5:30 in the morning!? Man, I don’t care how good a friend you are, I’m not investigating your murder case before 10 at the earliest.

Oh crap, Dean shares my opinion. Time for seppuku.

Now they’re ambulance chasers.

Thanks episode, for reminding us that people who abuse and murder their loved ones are all easily spotted by their maniacal laughter and monocles, and anyone who seems like a nice guy must be one.

“Every culture in the world” Dean? Really? Dean (and by Dean, I mean the writers) really needs to knock off that bullshit, this is at least the second time he’s had a line like that. MANY cultures have shapeshifter lore, but many is not every.

Chasing a creature into the sewers. weird goop, things that transform... *cues the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme*

But... if it’s a shapeshifter... how do they know where its heart is?

Oh FOR FUCK’S SAKE, we get it! Them lying about their identities backfires!

Also: STFU Dean, you’ve been caught lying in EVERY OTHER EPISODE.

...huh? I don’t get his perks line. Is he talking about the gun? Because... yay? It’s a gun? I dunno about you, I’d rather have a Game Boy or something. 

I wonder how much silver bullets cost. That’s probably like $40 of bullets Sam just shot into the pipes.

I guess we’re supposed to think the shapeshifter is one of the folks who passed them, but actually it’s EVERYONE. ALL OF ST LOUIS IS SHAPESHIFTERS! What a tweest!

Yeah, pretty sure I yelled this in FMA, too: NEVER SPLIT UP AGAINST A SHAPESHIFTER IT IS REALLY VERY MUCH NOT A SMART MOVE

Oh joy, another episode for Dean to save the day.

Okay, it’s moderately nifty that it gets the memories of the people it copies.

Oh god the monster actually IS Envy. Jealousy demon or something, which is why it goes after girlfriends I guess?

“Hmm, I hate you and don’t trust you. Let me set up a romantic fire and we’ll have a drink.”

Oh god no please no not Hollywood biology.

If he wants someone to love him, he is REALLY BAD AT IT. So, yeah, basically, just like Dean.

Shouldn’t there already be an APB out on Dean for impersonating a police officer?

So wait, if they didn’t call the cops, who did?

Pretty impressive that he manages to shapeshift and tear off his old skin without removing his pants.

Oh, okay, I was assuming the Rebecca in the sewers was the shapeshifter, pretty cute that it’s not.


Dang, Rebecca keeps her knives SHARP. Either she’s real serious about her cookery, or she never cooks at all.

I will take a full point away if this degerates into either of the brothers having to play “but which is the real one” With the other brother.

Okay. Good. Does it keep Dean’s face? Because otherwise he’s still going to have to go on the run.

Wait, so... that’s it? Dean’s legally dead and a murderer? And they just drive off and it’s fine?

That’s what makes this show so boring for me; nothing has any consequences, so I don’t care what happens. How much you want to bet that next episode has the same Previously On as this episode?

It’s getting really hard to be funny about this. It’s just tiresome. Next episode better be something SERIOUSLY RIDICULOUS. Like “the killer’s in the house!” or “bug bite EXPLODES INTO SPIDERS” urban-legend type ridiculousness. It won’t be any better, but at least it would be more mockable.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):

• Drunken, absent father
• Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming And now he’s a dead serial killer, not that that’ll ever be referenced again
• Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
• Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
• Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
• Assorted evil-babies
• Finn’s Fear (in Hell and/or Finn’s stomach)
• Guy possessed by Finn’s Fear (deceased)
• Various white people on an airplane (deceased)
• Guy who knows Winchester pere, he had a poltergeist once, he got better
• Pilot Chuck (deceased, boring)
• Amanda Walker, is afraid to fly and doesn’t mind if you pour acid on her coworkers, I’m just saying she’s maybe not the world’s best flight attendant
• Various white people and one WOC on an airplane
• Lily, has evil-baby friends, also it is all her fault
• Charlie, she is the best, why couldn’t she have been played by Amy Acker?
• Jill, who existed to be not very nice and then die to further the plot (died to further the plot)
• 80s face girl
• Woman who is so disposable we never even find out the truth about how she died and no one cares (deceased)
• Bloody Mary, who somehow died decades after her own legend started (died, ripped off The Ring, died again)
• Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named)
• Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales)
• Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship)
• Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!)
• My boredom, which is increasingly overwhelming my hate

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 6

Women who kiss Dean: 2

Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 1

Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.33

Final Rating: 1/10 SO BORING SERIOUSLY THOUGH THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HORROR SHOW WHEN IS SOMETHING ACTUALLY SCARY GOING TO HAPPEN I HATE YOU ALL 

Episode 7: Hookman


Previously, on Supernatural, oh for fuck’s sake.

Sorority girls? Peer pressure to be more sexual? I smell slasher flick.

OH MY GOD IT’S A GUY WITH A HOOK HAND

THIS IS HILARIOUS IT IS THE BEST THING SINCE EVIL-BABIES

Also, do people seriously make out in cars? I don’t drive, so I’ve never done it, and it always seemed really uncomfortable?

YES WANNABE DATE-RAPIST GO OUT

!

INVISIBLE hook-hand?

Oh my god, is it the GHOST of the hook-hand guy?

No, the girl said no, you’re supposed to kill the guy and let her go DAMMIT BUSTER HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A SLASHER FLICK?

Okay, I guess he actually has

Also, yes, I am going to assume this is the ghost of Buster Bluth.

No duh your dad doesn’t want to be found, he is playing THE MOST EPIC DAD-PRANK EVER on them

Okay, seriously, Sam? You’re not Scully, stop trying. We all know you believe in all this shit.

Oh come on, the rape club fraternity doesn’t even have a secret handshake?

Wow, way to be subtle Dean. That guy totally doesn’t think you’re investigating.

Dean is so totally me the two or three times I’ve been in a church. “Wait, why’s everybody looking down? Is there something on the floor?”

Dean pretending to be churchy is actually pretty funny?

I was actually starting to like this episode, but then Dean’s “Yeah, I think she’s hot, too” threw me right back out. STOP BEING DOUCHY MCMACHO, DEAN.

Okay, so maybe it’s not the ghost of Buster Bluth, but I can dream

STOP REFERENCING BETTER SHOWS AND MOVIES IT JUST MAKES ME WISH I WAS WATCHING THEM

Oh, drinking. I thought Preacher Dad assumed the sorority was all lesbian sex.

You just know all his ideas about them comes from Cinemax

Okay, the rock salt shotgun IS clever

Kinda hard to shoot an invisible dude

Ghost Buster better not kill Taylor

She is the first black character in the entire show and a woman who am I kidding OF COURSE she’s going to die

Thank you door for telling me her name, by the way

OH GOD DAMMIT

Lori is descended from Ghost Buster, isn’t she? That’s why the detail about him being a preacher.

*facepalm* Ghost Buster I DIDN’T EVEN INTEND THAT PUN

Unsurprisingly, Dean’s knowledge of sororities is also derived entirely from Cinemax

Okay it is NOT an accident that she has a “gob” poster

Buster is haunting her because Gob always picked on him

So it isn’t the ghost of a 19th century preacher, but something that haunts angry preachers and murders women? So it’s either Ghost Buster or Jack the Ripper. He’s supposed to have escaped to the U.S., isn’t he?

WAIT. Episode 5 established that ghosts can travel in time, since Bloody Mary’s legend predates her death. Maybe Ghost Buster IS Jack the Ripper!!!1!

Shacking up with a married woman? Oh, you are a CLASS ACT, Father Dad.

Yes, dig up the angry ghost, disturbing graves makes everything better.

Salt and fire, yeah, that’ll take care of most supernatural stuff.

It’s actually Lori summoning the ghost, isn’t it?

Okay, wait, what? Why is she kissing Sam? There’s like at least two scenes of bonding between them missing before this scene works.

Yep, it’s Lori.

Okay, there’s actually something vaguely resembling a logic to the thing with the hook? I like this. It’s neat.

Wait... doesn’t “St. Barnabas” imply a Catholic church? Aren’t Catholic preachers not allowed to have kids? *confused*

But Lori’s not literally descended from him, just closely associated with his church.

Okay, destroying the ghost’s hook IN HIS CHURCH may not have been a great plan?

Hey, Lori actually figured out this is connected to her! I kinda like her. She has something to her character besides a relationship, namely a strong moral code! That’s rare in this show.

I meant “woman having something to her character besides relationships,” but “moral code” works too. Most of the characters are kinda assholes? Lori takes it a little too far, though.

Of COURSE she’s the final target.

Ghost Buster isn’t scary, but he’s pretty cool, and has a neat death effect.

Can you even melt silver in a regular fireplace, though?

I like how NO ONE gives a fuck about Taylor. And by “like” I mean “dammit.”

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):

• Drunken, absent father
• Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming He’s less of a bully lately, but still Macho McManlypants de la Anxiousmasculinity
• Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control He and Lori were made for each other, weren’t they?
• Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
• Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
• Lily, has evil-baby friends, also it is all her fault
• Charlie, she is the best, why couldn’t she have been played by Amy Acker?
• Jill, who existed to be not very nice and then die to further the plot (died to further the plot)
• 80s face girl
• Woman who is so disposable we never even find out the truth about how she died and no one cares (deceased)
• Bloody Mary, who somehow died decades after her own legend started (died, ripped off The Ring, died again)
• Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named)
• Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales)
• Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship)
• Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!)
• Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate
• Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased) Yes I am counting her
• Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities
• Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased)
• The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper
• A can of beans
• A can of Manwich They’re not actually in the episode, I mixed them and ate while watching

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7

Women who kiss Dean: 2

Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 1

Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.28

Final Rating: 5/10 ACTUALLY WATCHABLE I SHOULD BE ANGRIER ABOUT TAYLOR BUT IT’S PREDICTABLE AND ALSO THESE BEANS ARE PRETTY TASTY

But seriously though, it’s like someone pointed out that this show is whiter than Friends and they went UH-OH BETTER KILL A BLACK WOMAN TO PROVE WE’RE NOT RACIST 

Episode 8: Bugs

 Previously, on Supernatural, I ran out of ways to say that this previously on is the same every damn time.

Phat? Seriously? No one actually says that! Not even in 2003 or whenever this was.

Sinkholes and excessive misquitoes? Is this episode about urban blight?

No, just evil insects. OH GOD IT CRAWLED IN HIS EAR THAT IS GROSS

Still not scary, but pretty gross. I think one of my problems is that this show doesn’t seem to know the difference.

Okay, Dean watching Oprah is hilarious, him refusing to admit it moreso. Did this show gain a level or something?

How come nobody ever catches on that they talk like investigators instead of grieving nephews or whatever they’re posing as this week?

GOD THESE GUYS ARE SUCH CHILDREN

Man, I could totally go for some free barbecue. Or any barbecue, really. Good barbecue’s hard to find around here.

Dammit this is two episodes in a row where Dean is channeling me. Suburbia is a nightmare hellscape and I’m so glad to live in a real city now. I DO NOT LIKE HAVING ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH DEAN

GEE I WONDER IF PEOPLE WERE INCEST SHIPPING BY THIS POINT

Calling it: The realtor guy is sleeping with the head of sales and wife knows.

YES PLEASE BE ANOTHER EVIL-BABY

OH MY GOD THAT EVIL FACE YES YES YEEESSSSS

CAN YOU TELL I THINK THE EVIL-BABIES ARE THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW

Calling another thing: Pheromones. No psychic powers, no angels, this is a mad scientist type deal because we’re 8 episodes in and haven’t ha one yet.

Oh what a surprise, first woman defined by something she DOES rather than who she KNOWS and she’s dead. Not counting as a fridging, though, she’s a regular victim because she’s not being used as an excuse for a more important character to emote.

Ooh, that’s a pretty stick bug. 

I am MASSIVELY disappointed that he’s apparently not an evil-baby after all. There need to be more evil kids in media, the child-industrial complex has had its way for too long!

Is it a demonic temple of bugs?

Nope, just a clearing and sound effects.

Yes, everyone walk into the place full of killer doom insects, that is a good plan.

Did Dean just—he is seriously poking it with a stick! This isn’t a metaphor, he is LITERALLY POKING THE EVIL BUG NEXUS WITH A STICK

AND NOW HE’S REACHING IN AND PULLING OUT SKULLS! THAT IS NOT AS COMMON A SAYING BUT STILL PROBABLY NOT HIS BEST PLAN

Fuck you Dean. Some families suck! If your family doesn’t work, you find a better family.

Dean is totally lying about their dad visiting Stanford.

OH IS THIS A FUCKING NATIVE AMERICAN BURIAL GROUND STORY?

Oh gods I’m already cringing at how they’ll depict Native Americans

I just hope it’s not as bad as the buffalo in My Little Pony

OH LOOK IT’S A MAGIC NATIVE AMERICAN *HEADDESK*

Well, at least we’ve got an entire town in danger this time.

“You don’t break a curse.” Well... that goes against basically every story about curses ever.

Of COURSE the kid Sam was bonding with is in danger.

LOL THEIR LIES ENVER WORK AND THEY NEVER STOP

...how the fuck do they have Matt’s cell phone number?

I’m still sad it wasn’t mad-scientist evil-babies. 

Sure, 10,000 years of recorded history and we’ve never figured out a way to keep out bugs, but Dean can figure it out in an evening, right? They are SO BONED. What are the next eight seasons about?

A can of bug spray. That’s your brilliant plan? ALL THE LULZ FOREVER

THE BEEEEEES NOT THE BEEEES

Yes, because BURNING the bug spray so it makes a LIGHT that ATTRACTS BUGS is a great way to help get away from them. YOU ARE THE SMARTEST DEAN CLEARLY.

GEE IT’S A GOOD THING THE BUG EXPERT NOT-EVIL_BABY IS THERE BECAUSE OTHERWISE HOW WOULD WE KNOW THE THINGS EATING THROUGH THE WOOD ARE TERMITES?

I like how the room is ALREADY FULL of a BILLION BUGS but they’re all fine.

WAIT WHAT? They were in the house for like TEN MINUTES how is it already morning?

So... all Dean and Sam did, in the end, was tell the realtor family to hide from the bugs. I THINK THEY COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT.

“Well, this has been the biggest financial disaster of my career, but somehow, I really don’t care.” Except that, traumatized and triggered by the only thing he enjoyed before, Matt desperately needs therapy, and after being fired for this disaster, the family has no insurance. Yay?

The moral of the story, based on Dean and Sam’s conversation at the end: If your dad is unrelentingly horrible to you because you don’t fit into the narrow frame of his expectations, that’s your fault, and you should change or at least apologize to him for it. Fuck you, show. 

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):

• Drunken, absent father
• Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming He’s less of a bully lately, but still Macho McManlypants de la Anxiousmasculinity
• Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control He and Lori were made for each other, weren’t they?
• Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
• Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
• Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named) 
• Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales) 
• Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship) 
• Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!) 
• Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate 
• Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased) 
• Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities 
• Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased) 
• The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper  
• Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby or mad scientist at all (disappointing)
• Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
• Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
• Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over (deceased, technically not fridged)
• 1x Magical Native American (presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
• Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7

Women who kiss Dean: 2

Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.875

Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.125

Final Rating: 3/10 ONLY MILDLY DISAPPOINTING BUT I KNOCKED AN EXTRA POINT OFF FOR THE EVIL-BABY COCKTEASE

Fullmetal Alchemist: Blutherhood

One of the other commenters on Mark Watches Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, who goes by rin-chan-san on Tumblr, created some truly hilarious screencaps combining images from FMA with dialogue from Arrested Development. My personal favorite:

But there are loads of other good ones.

Race, Redemption, and Revelation

The rather pompous title of this post refers to a panel I gave on Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood a couple of years back. I no longer completely agree with what I say here--in particular, the section on race at the beginning is <I>appallingly</I> naïve, simplistic, and, dare I say it, demonstrative of massive unexamined privilege, but still I think it's a reasonably interesting panel.

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Part Four:

Part Five:

Part Six:

Fullmetal Alchemy

Apologies for this being a few minutes late. It is, as you may note, rather a bit longer than the typical Wednesday Whatever (in word count, it is more than ten times the minimum length I shoot for on the Sunday articles).

So, as I've mentioned a couple of times, I'm a regular commenter at Mark Watches. Today, he finished <I>Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood</I>, the anime adaptation of my favorite manga. Throughout his reviews of the series, I've been posting what I call Episode-Specific Alchemy Lessons, quick mini-essays on the history and practice of alchemy in the real world, tied in to the events of the show. I didn't do them for every episode (not by a long shot), but they were a lot of fun to write and hopefully will be interesting for all of you. All of them are behind the cut, with the rot13 I used to hide spoilers removed.

I haven't let my inner science nerd out to play in a while...

Rewatched several of the Marvel movies yesterday (Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers, and as of writing I'm considering whether to watch an Iron Man, though that will be difficult seeing as Netflix doesn't have them), because it'll be a little while before I can go see Thor 2. I have to say, at first I thought the Tesseract was just a bit of technobabble, throwing out a science-y sounding word, but the more I think about it, the more it works for me.

The key is, there are a couple of mentions of "dark energy" in The Avengers in relation to the Tesseract. Like a tesseract, dark energy is a real scientific term; it refers to a hypothetical form of energy that is causing the observed expansion of the universe (hence "dark"--we can deduce its existence from observing its effects, but have yet to detect it or confirm its source). Dark energy appears to permeate all of space and act on space itself, causing it to expand. It is very weak, which is why it hasn't completely shredded the universe; even as space expands, gravity is strong enough to hold structures like galaxies, stars, and planets together, let alone the much stronger electromagnetic and nuclear forces holding together smaller structures such as atomic nuclei, molecules, and people. Despite this weakness, because there is just so much space, dark energy ends up being the majority of all energy in the universe.

Which brings us to the Tesseract, which appears to draw on dark energy to generate power. Of course, the amount of dark energy in a region of space as small as that cube wouldn't be enough to run an EZ Bake Oven, let alone power a Nazi super-science army, but the name gives a clue to how it could work.

In real life, a tesseract is a four-dimensional cubic prism; that is, it has the same relationship to a cube as a cube has to a square. If you do the math, you'll find that it has a total "surface volume" eight times that of a single cubical "face," but still, eight times that tiny cube is only slightly less tiny. However, thanks to Madeleine L'Engle's classic children's science fiction novel A Wrinkle in Time, in science fiction "tesseract" has a second meaning: a four-dimensional fold in space that connects two points that are very distant three-dimensionally. Given what the tesseract does when Red Skull activates it at the end of Captain America, and that it enables the opening of a gate for the Chitauri to invade Earth in The Avengers, it seems pretty likely that this is the definition meant.

At which point it makes total sense that it is able to tap vast amounts of dark energy. We have no idea how much space it's capable of folding up, but given that the Chitauri expect to conquer the universe, we can assume it's a lot. Now it can access the dark energy of vast swaths of interstellar space, folding them up so that they can all be accessed through that one little cube.

Which leads to another fun thought: what if someone mass-produced them? As it stands, there is enough dark energy in the universe to keep it expanding forever. If the "quintessence" theory of dark energy is correct, then the amount of dark energy in the universe is actually increasing over time; eventually there will be nothing else, and space will shred itself completely. Using up the dark energy of interstellar space seems like a good idea, to keep the universe from flying apart. On the other hand, use up too much, and you eventually hit a point where there's more gravity than dark energy, and the universe starts to collapse in on itself. You could set a pretty interesting story in a universe where that's starting to happen, and people are faced with choosing between giving up their main energy source or dooming the universe--but obvious as the answer is, it isn't easy, because it's a very slow doom that none living will see.

Too on the nose, perhaps?

Manatees with Memories

Okay, yes, I'm watching Arrested Development and Supernatural for the first time. It's 2003 in my house. It's awful; Bush is still President, everybody's getting shipped off to war, and Fullmetal Alchemist is a dark, cynical series with an absolutely terrible left-field final twist and a seriously small-potatoes villain.

Anyway, as I've gotten into the second season I've noticed something interesting the show does structurally. Much like Family Guy and the comedies it inspired, it relies heavily on cutaway gags, but where most of the cutaways in Family Guy and its ilk are non sequiturs, in Arrested Development they are quite frequently references to past episodes.

This is a very interesting way to use the growing emphasis on continuity in American television (which is largely a product of the increasing availability and accessibility of archives of past episodes via first home video, then DVD, and especially the rise of on-demand streaming services). Most reference-heavy shows use references to past episodes to enhance the appearance of dramatic unity (not quite in the Aristotelian sense, but close enough) and reward dedicated viewing, but Arrested Development does something quite different. By using them as cutaway gags, which by their nature are disruptive and jarring, the references simultaneously create an appearance of dramatic unity to reward dedicated viewers, while also creating a non sequitur joke to amuse more casual viewers who don't catch the reference.

It's honestly quite a clever way to combine current fads in both dramatic and comedic television to get something that feels fresh and original. I can see why people made a big deal about this show, and why it's still remembered so fondly a decade later.