Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E1-3)

Today marks the launch of a new feature on the site, Snarky Supernatural Saturdays. As I've mentioned before, I'm a fan of and regular commenter on Mark Watches. Recently, Mark has started watching Supernatural, and I decided to take the opportunity to watch it myself. It made sense to me that I would probably like it: many of my friends are fans, and I am a big fan of Doctor Who and like what I've seen of Sherlock, the other two pillars of the fan-Tumblr trinity.

So I decided to watch it in synch with Mark, one episode at a time, the night before his review of that episode goes up. Taking a cue from how I've commented on his Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Reviews, I watched the episode on the right half of the screen while taking notes on the left half. For FMA:B, my notes were generally a mix of insights, praise for good moments, and silly jokes. But for that first episode of Supernatural...

For that first episode of Supernatural, my notes were nothing but snark. Because, it turns out, I don't like Supernatural. I don't dislike Supernatural. At least now, three episodes in, I feel nothing but contempt for Supernatural. It does not deserve analysis or even a sensible recap; all it gets are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts while watching and reactions to what I see on screen. These might make more sense if you watch them with the episodes, but that would require watching Supernatural, so I recommend against it.

Please note, the comments for these posts in particular are a SPOILER FREE ZONE. Do NOT post spoilers, part of the point of this project is that I have no idea what's coming. "Oh man, you won't believe it but your guess is totally right!" counts as a spoiler. So does "I can't believe how wrong you are about that guess," and "Oh, you have a problem with that, don't worry, it gets better." ANYTHING which is not immediately obvious from the episodes I have seen so far is a spoiler.

Anyway, that aside, here's this week's snark:

Episode 1: Pilot


Been meaning to try this show for a while now. Here’s what I know about this series:

• There are brothers.
• People occasionally compare them to the Elrics?
• I think they have a car. And a shotgun? Or a rifle? Something like that. Is it a supernatural shotgun that shoots, like, demon bullets?
• It is popular on the Tumblrs.
• Supernatural things happen? Like, magic? Monsters I’m guessing?
• There is a character named Cassiel.
• Cassiel is the Latin form of Qaphsiel, the Qabbalistic archangel of the moon, who has power to transport people and things through space. I don’t know how much of this is relevant, but I’m guessing he’s either an angel, a demon, or an alien.
• Reliable sources tell me it starts strong, but suffers from increasing genderfail as it goes.

I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore... oh wait, we are.

Aw, what a sweet, loving family to whom nothing bad could ever happen.

Does the baby have evil powers? Tell me the baby has evil powers. I mean moreso than babies normally do.

That didn’t look like her husband in the baby’s room. Was it him?

Ah. No. It wasn’t.

THE BABY ATE HER

NOW HE IS A HAPPY EVIL-BABY

EVIL-BABY is crying at the hellfire. He doesn’t like the competition.

So, when they were little their mother died and their house burned down. I DO NOT SEE WHY PEOPLE COMPARE THEM TO THE ELRICS. NOPE, NOT AT ALL.

Those were the shortest, least interesting credits ever.

“Where’s your costume?” “I’m going as EVIL-BABY, can’t you tell?”

So they spar a lot as adults? And the younger one is taller? And their father is missing? I STILL DON’T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE TO THE ELRICS.

Let’s argue as a transparent excuse to explain the plot to the audience! *yawn*

Not to mention the standard getting-the-band-back-together vs. I’m-retired-now plot.


I knew they had a car!

Men disappearing on a stretch of road, woman’s voice saying “I can never go home?” Oh, please tell me this isn’t an evil version of the vanishing hitchhiker.

Girl by side of road, hitting on guy with car? Dammit, it’s worse, it’s a sexy evil version of the vanishing hitchhiker.

Dude, I can hear your accent. You were a teenager in the U.S. YOU KNOW WHAT A VANISHING HITCHHIKER IS. RUN AWAY.

THANK YOU.

Except that you’re not a main character, so if you’re runnign away that means running away doesn’t work.

Okay, why did none of the reports mention the BLOOD in the cars? You would think that is SLIGHTLY IMPORTANT. Kind of makes it unlikely it was a kidnapping.

Black Sabbath, Motorhead, and Metallica. I HAVE NO ISSUES WITH THIS SELECTION.

“No sign of struggle.” WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOOD THEN?

Troy Squire is possibly the frattiest frat-boy name ever fratted.

Okay, if the vanishing hitchhiker kills whoever picks her up, HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW THE STORY? I HATE GHOST STORIES LIKE THIS SO VERY MUCH BECAUSE THEY MAKE NO SENSE.

Oh look, it’s another urban legend, the double bathtub drowning baby.

Sam looks a very little bit like Walter White, Jr. Are they related?

I just cannot get into the character stuff when the plot of the episode is so distractingly bad.

So... just because you say you have the same last name, the hotel owner lets you into the room?

Ooh, salt circle. Okay, that earns a point for accuracy.

Wow, I kind of hate Dean? I merely dislike Sam. This is going swimmingly.

I am so sick of jackass bullies who take nothing seriously as main characters. As with everything else in modern media, I blame George Lucas.

I would complain about the incompetence of the police officers, but, you know, police officers.

Oh no, now Sam’s virtuous heart and refusal to cheat on Jessica will break the curse.

I guess I’m supposed to be curious about where their dad’s gone? If I had any reason to care about them I probably would be.

I kinda like the holes appearing in his chest, but the evil ghost face is silly.

Yeah, Dean, shoot the ghost, that always works.

Maybe if the first 30 shots don’t kill her, the next one will!

I do like that the solution was not “Sam is too good for the ghost to kill,” but rather “drive a car through the wall and let the evil-baby ghosts handle the rest.”

HOLY FUCK THOSE EVIL-BABIES ARE CREEPY AS FUCK.

YES, EVIL-BABIES, YOU GO TO HELL WITH YOUR MOMMY. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE.

I will happily watch this series if every episode is evil-babies.

Okay, seriously, were you not paying attention? OF COURSE THIS IS WHERE SHE DROWNED HER BABIES, THAT WAS SUPER OBVIOUS.

Somehow I suspect the narrative will punish Sam for pursuing his dreams rather than remaining a slave to his family’s wishes and lifestyle.

WHAT TEAM, DEAN? SAM DID EVERYTHING. IT WASN’T EVEN THAT HARD.

That is a GINORMOUS apartment for a not-particularly-wealthy college student.

OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOUBLE FRIDGING SERIES

Sam, you really need to learn to control your evil-baby powers.

Characters so far:

• Drunken, absent father
• Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming
• Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
• Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy
• Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
• Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
• Assorted evil-babies

Rating: 1/10 WOULD NOT WATCH AGAIN

On the other hand, lots of good series have terrible first episodes. I’ll stick around a little longer.

 Episode 2: Wendigo (P.S. Boy I wish I knew this title when I watched the episode, it would make guessing the monster a lot easier.)

“Previously on Supernatural: Evil-babies and fridges. Also, Dean is a dick.”

This Previously On is more like a bad movie trailer than a recap.

The opening credits still suck, what little there is of them.

Ooh, campers. Calling it, this episode involves either hookhands or a guy in a hockey mask.

Okay, it might be werewolves. This epiosde is SLIGHTLY less predictable than last week.

Too tall to be a werewolf, I think. Evil-bear?

I hope the evil-bears don’t team up with the evil-babies, they’ll kill us all!

Speaking of evil-babies, here’s Sam visiting the grave of Jessica. “Beloved Daughter,” because even in death she exists solely as relationships with other people.

Oh, wait, it was a nightmare. Sam should have protected her, because Men Protect and Women Get Killed By Evil-Baby Powers.

Yeah, Sam, because there are never any monsters in the middle of nowhere.

I knew it was evil-bears!

Tommy looks like a douchebro. It’s the shell necklace, wearing one is almost as bad as being named Troy.

Bear on the wall of the local bar. Why did the camera highlight it? GHOST BEARS, that’s why.

Corporeal, so not a ghost. That’s good.

Dean’s being surprisingly non-dickish this episode.

Hayley continues to almost show twinges of approaching something vaguely resembling a personality. She Cares About Her Family, which is one character trait more than Jess or the Winchester’s mom (did she even have a NAME?) ever got.

No, eat the guy with the douchebro shell necklace!

...Dammit.

“Why didn’t you tell me that from the start?” That’s a really fucking good question, and Dean fails utterly to answer it. But the plot requires that Hayley stop questioning after 30 seconds, so she does, even though Dean’s answer is bullshit from her perspective.

“Looks like a Grizzly.” I give 30 seconds until somebody says something like “No grizzly did this.”

Almost a full minute, and the actual line was “It’s no skinwalker or black dog.” I’m slipping.

Their dad’s notebook is going to be this series’ Junior Woodchucks Guidebook, isn’t it?

Dammit, Haley, you have no reason to listen to any of this!

Also, WTF? Anasazi lived in the southwest, why the hell would they have anti-Wendigo symbols?

“Why doesnt he just call us, tell us what he wants?” Same reason Hailey accepts all the stuff you tell her—because otherwise there’s no show.

“Roy, don’t leave the circle, you’ll die!” “Guess we’d better leave the circle.”

Fortunately, the Winchesters have main character and/or evil-baby powers, so the Wendigo doesn’t kill them.

Ah, the Harry Dresden approach. Fire kills everything.

...I wish I were reading Dresden Files right now. As deeply problematic supernatural adventures go, it’s about 10,000x better than this.

This series seriously loves dribbling blood on people. I think if I had to pick a motif from the first episode to continue, that would be near the bottom.

Evil-babies are the top, of course.

Oh noes, the Wendigo captured the Disposable Woman (tm) and the jerkass. How awful.

Trail of M&Ms! It’s like E.T.

Except those were Reese’s Pieces.

E.T. was the first movie I ever saw in a theater. To this day I crave Reese’s Pieces every time I watch a movie. Fuck you, Steven Spielberg, inventor of product placement.

Oh yay. Douchebro’s alive.

So far Hailey is the single character in this series I dislike least.

Followed closely by the Wendigo.

I keep typing Windigo. Dammit, ponies!

Dammit Sam, if bullets don’t hurt it WHY ARE YOU WAVING A GUN AROUND.

DEAN HAS ONE TOO. DO YOU NOT EVEN LISTEN TO YOUR OWN NONSENSE?

Because a lethal weapon that can kill you or your allies, but can’t hurt your enemies, is totally something you should be waving around.

Wait, is that actually a flare gun? Okay, fair enough.

Apparently Wendigos are made of papier mache and have lighter fluid for blood. Handy!

THIS IS A LESSON, DEAN. Stop being a dick, and women who almost have personalities might kiss you chastely after you save them and their brothers from Wendigoes.

...It is a fairly situationally specific lesson.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics):

• Drunken, absent father
• Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Only he is slightly less dickish this episode, yay!
• Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
• Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy
• Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
• Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
• Assorted evil-babies
• Shell-necklace douchebro
• Woman who almost, but not quite, has a character
• Woman and douchebro’s little brother who exists for some reason, it’s not clear why
• Dickish hunter who, like, doesn’t know, man. He ain’t seen the shit I seen, man. (deceased)
• Immortal super-fast cannibal made of crepe paper and gasoline (deceased)

2/10 I HATE YOU BUT NOT QUITE AS MUCH AS LAST EPISODE

Episode 3: Dead in the Water

  “Previously on Supernatural, incredibly silly-looking titles, and only three scenes from episode two, one of which didn’t happen!”

Seriously, GET A THEME SONG.

Sophie looks really familiar, what else was she in? And “buff” is not remotely the word I’d use for her. “Petite,” possibly.

She’s being stalked by the camera... so just like every other woman in every other work of horror ever. Nicely creepy sound effects, though.

This show is now 1/5 on keeping named woman characters alive.

ASDJKL; you follow yet another dead woman with THAT? Seriously, series, W.T.F.

You know, if Sam were a woman, like 90% of the series’ problems would be reduced or solved. You could change not one word of a single script, and it would all work better.

Just saying.

Also, I’m annoyed at myself for taking this long to notice, but... how is this show managing to be EVEN WHITER THAN BUFFY?

Seriously? So you’re just straight-up admitting Dean and Sam are based on Han and Luke? I *knew* this show was George Lucas’ fault!

Hmm, evil-babies and evil-bears so far... given the way the camera was stalking her, I’m thinking evil-shark... wait, no, Loch Ness monster. So... evil-hoax-by-a-gynecologist-propped-up-by-the-tourist-industry.

I bet the Dad is the gynecologist, that’s why they can’t talk to him.

OH MY GOD IS THAT FRED

I CAN’T TELL IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HER BUT I’M NOT SURE

Lucas? The kid’s name is Lucas!? I KNEW IT WAS LUCAS’ FAULT!

OH MY GOD IT IS IT’S FRED

BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN THIS SHOW

...and she’s unlikely to survive the episode. Fuck.

Crap, she’s Lucas’ mom? That little evil-baby bastard, she’s toast. Probably literally.

AND SHE’S NOT TAKING DEAN’S SHIT. BEST CHARACTER.

Shit, I see where this is going. Evil-baby is going to learn the gynecologist-dad killed Fred’s husband and BURN THE WORLD.

Wow, Lucas’ drawings are pretty good. It’s almost like he’s a staff artist pretending to draw like a child.

Wait, is Dean actually trying to connect to the kid? I can only assume he has some seriously dickish motive.

Lucas took the picture. You might think that’s because Dean’s getting through to him, but inside, Lucas is gloating about how much better of an artist he is.

Please tell me that’s a drawing of the Winchester house before it burned, confirming Lucas’ evil-baby powers.

That or Lucas’ dad was eaten by an angry, rampaging split-level two bedroom, one-and-a-half bath. That would also be acceptable.

OH NO, SOPHIE’S BROTHER. THE WATER IS ANGRY.

YES, PUT YOUR HAND IN THE EVIL WATER AND BE EATEN BY THE DRAIN DEMONS

...Called it.

Wait. Only his face and arm are in the water, and we can see both. Is he ACTUALLY BEING PULLED IN BY THE WATER ITSELF? That is the most ridiculous thing ever!

Yes, lake demon, killing everyone in town will definitely get the dam fixed and not cause people to just abandon the town and let the dam collapse.

“Mr. Carlton... are you a gynecologist?”

Okay, I actually do feel for Mr. Carlton. I saw what outliving his children did to my grandfather. It’s the first time this show has genuinely made me feel anything other than annoyance or contempt.

...Amy Acker is totally being wasted on this generic-ass Mother of the Witness role.

Oh no. No. Fuck you, Dean. You do NOT tell a little kid who just lost their parent to be strong or brave or any bullshit like that, that’s how you turn them into emotionally closed-off wrecks who are afraid to feel anything... sound familiar, Dean?

Again, I would care WAY more about the Winchesters if Dean were less of an asshole and Sam had anything resembling a personality.

IT ACTUALLY IS AN EVIL-BABY GHOST POSSESSING LUCAS

THIS EPISODE JUST GOT A WHOLE POINT BECAUSE EVIL-BABIES

Unless it turns out that Peter was just the first victim, in that case I’m taking all the points.

Oh please tell me Carlton killed Peter and Peter is taking his evil-baby revenge?

Because that would mean that Carlton was an evil-baby too!

IF THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT AN EVIL-BABY POSSESSED BY AN EVIL-BABY TAKING REVENGE ON AN EVIL-BABY I WILL DO A CARLTON DANCE

Jonas reminds Dean of himself, leading Dean to the realization that other human beings exist and have feelings. Dean normally just thinks of them as toys, especially if they have boobies.

THE SHERIFF SEES THROUGH THEIR LIES. He is the best local law enforcement on this show. Possibly the best small-town sheriff on television since that show with the guy. It had Don Knotts, but I’m talking about the other guy. You know. Him.

You know, Dean and Sam, you’d have an easier time of this if you stopped pretending to be government agents and just admitted to being nosy busybodies. Just tell people you’re writing a book or something.

OH MY GOD JONAS IS DRAWING SPIRALS NOW I AM REMINDED OF SOMETHING ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY SCARY

UNLIKE ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THIS SHOW AT ALL EVER

But seriously, read Uzumaki, it’s good. It gets really silly, but in a good way.

I am seriously jealous of Amy Acker’s tub.

Hmm, so Lucas isn’t actually an evil-baby or possessed by the evil-baby, he just has some sort of connection to the evil-baby? But... but... he’s Lucas! And this is all Lucas’ fault!

“Come play with me?” It’s either an evil-baby or Jenny Greenteeth.
THERE ARE MORE EVIL-BABIES

THE SHERIFF IS ONE TOO

THIS IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN WALFORD’S EVER HAD

But of course inexplicably psychic Lucas will lead them to the body.

YEAH! EVIL-BABY VS EVIL-BABY

NO MATTER WHO DIES, WE ALL WIN

Maybe the Winchesters will drown and Andrea will be the main character from now on

I would much rather watch that show

I like how Fred is watching Dean rescue her son, and she’s all sobbing and “No! No, Dean and baby George Lucas! I was hoping you’d both die and rid the world of your assholery!”

This time Dean’s chaste kiss was moderately closer to his mouth! It’s like the narrative is rewarding him for being slightly less of an asshole!

DAMMIT THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS EPISODE IS THAT IT MEANS AMY ACKER WILL NEVER BE ON THE SHOW AGAIN

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, starting next time I’m going to drop characters who haven’t been seen in three episodes and I don’t think are going to return):

• Drunken, absent father
• Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Only he is continuing to be slightly less dickish except at the beginning, yay!
• Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
• Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy (deceased)
• Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
• Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
• Assorted evil-babies This is a recurring character I’m counting it
• Shell-necklace douchebro
• Woman who almost, but not quite, has a character
• Woman and douchebro’s little brother who exists for some reason, it’s not clear why
• Dickish hunter who, like, doesn’t know, man. He ain’t seen the shit I seen, man. (deceased)
• Immortal super-fast cannibal made of crepe paper and gasoline (deceased)
• Yet another disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot, also she is not buff and really very cute, not that you can’t be buff and cute, just ask Alex Armstrong (deceased)
• Asshole brother of disposable woman who claimed men don’t like buff women because apparently all men like the same things (deceased)
• Dad of disposable woman, also an evil-baby (deceased)
• Sheriff who is the smartest sheriff. Andy Griffith! That was his name. Yeah. Basically Andy Griffith if he was an evil-baby and Opie was played by Amy Acker. ...I think I just accidentally spoiled Joss Whedon’s next movie.
• Where was I?
• Oh yeah. The sheriff is also an evil-baby. (Deceased)
• Amy Acker because she needed some quick cash, or at least that’s what I’m assuming because it can’t have been the juicy part or thrilling script, this show doesn’t have those
• Amy Acker naked in a tub because it was a lot of cash, she’s got bills, you know how it is
• Lucas who is apparently not an evil-baby despite being named after the man who single-handedly destroyed American movies forever. His full name is probably, like, George John Campbell Lucas McSamePlot or something. Whatever, no Carlton dance for you.
• Lake-dwelling evil-baby (deceased)
• THE SPIRALS BE AFRAID
• The Winchesters should visit Kurozu-cho. Is there fanfic of this? I want it.
• Actually, screw the Winchesters, make it Shimon and Kamina instead, that’d be way more interesting.
• Is that all the characters? I hope so, I no longer care

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 3
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot: 1.5

4.5/10 BUT MOST OF THAT IS EVIL-BABIES
Also I took off half a point for the pointless fanservice in the diner and Amy Acker’s bathroom
DO NOT PANDER TO ME SHOW IT WILL NOT SAVE YOU