Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E4-5)

Supernatural Episode 4: Phantom Traveler

Previously on Supernatural, we blew the opening credits budget on a cheap, silly text effect, so we smeared it all over the previously ons.

Also, show, you know you don’t actually need a previously on for a monster-of-the-week show... and I’m pretty sure this is shot-for-shot, line-for-line identical to last episode’s previously, just to add insult to boredom.

Okay, cute fakeout with the Hawaiian music.

My roommate’s afraid to fly, which is why I taught her what airport bars are for.

It’s Finn’s fear from that one episode of Adventure Time! It’s found a new host!

Finn’s Fear is still fond of terrible puns, I see.

Wow. He’s a lot calmer, but way more murderous than in Adventure Time.

I am seriously skeptical that opening the door on the plane makes the plane crash. I’ve seen it in a bunch of shows and movies, and just... it seems like something you could adjust for as a pilot? And like the pressure would equalize long before you crash, allowing the plane to land normally? I dunno, I don’t know much.

 Dean is being paranoid! He’s going to be the next victim of Finn’s Fear.

OH MY GOD FINN’S FEAR IS OYASHIRO-SAMA

Have you noticed how I spend much of my time watching this show thinking about better shows?

Yep, Dean’s going to have to accept and face his fear.

Of course Dean’s never afraid, he’s too much of a Manly Man Who Mans.

Okay, wait. Someone has met Dean before and is willing to meet him again? I call shenanigans!

“Jerry, we’re going to need you to break a dozen privacy laws.” “No problem!” “And also get us in to see some twisted bits of metal.” “No way, that’s impossible!”

Homeland Security? Hey, maybe Dean can spend the rest of the series in Guantanamo. If anyone deserves it, it’s him.

Seven survivors? Wait, I’ve seen this one, Death itself stalks them and eliminates them in the order they would have died on the plane.

Yes, I’m even counting that cheesefest as better than this.

Finn’s fear had black eyes. Finn’s Fear is Oyashiro-sama is The Beast. It all hangs together!

I am already eager for the episode where it turns out there is a perfectly mundane explanation and nothing weird going on at all. Those were the only good episodes of The X-Files.

Oh god, I have acid reflux too. If I got an attack on a plane, I would definitely consider just opening the emergency exit and killing everyone.

Man, Blues Brothers is a great movie. Thanks for once again reminding me of something better than you are, Supernatural! They even drive an Impala!

“Yeah, I know what an EMF reader is.” “But the audience might not!”

Haha, Sam, I could watch you smack down Dean all day. Well, not really, but at least it made those 10 seconds of the show slightly more bearable.
 
Oh Dean and Sam, your incompetence fills my heart with... nothing, because you get the fuck away every time.

Finn’s Fear has moved or will move into Pilot Chuck now, right?

Called it!

Now Finn’s Fear is going to kill all the survivors by possessing frightened people.

Please tell me the guy on the tractor is another survivor? I like my demons efficient.

“Every religion in every world culture has the concept of demons and demon possession.” Bull. Fucking. Shit. Theravada Buddhism, assholes. Pretty sure Unitarians don’t, either. Judaism only does if you count folk superstition as part of the religion.

FYI, Keebler has (or had, it might not be there anymore, there have been some SLIGHT CHANGES in the neighborhood in the last 15 years) a snack factory in Nazareth, Israel. I have eaten Cheez-Its of Nazareth. They were slightly better than American Cheez-Its.

(Basically all Israeli food is slightly better than the American equivalent, except all the meat sucks. It is a really, really good place to go lacto-vegetarian.)

Oh look, one of the survivors is a woman. She’s either going to die or kiss Dean. I’m not sure which is worse.

I keep hearing Amanda Waller, and expecting her to kick everyone’s ass. (She’s the Olivier Mira Armstrong of the DCU. Also the Nick Fury of the DCU. She’s like if Olivier Mira Armstrong and Nick Fury had badass overweight middle-aged babies, is what I’m saying.)

Oh my god, Amanda is amazing!

Wait, no, she’s falling for the “have a friend call and tell her how sad you are” non-apology. I am disappointed, Amanda. You are NOT worthy to direct Checkmate.

Yep, Dean’s going to be possessed by Finn’s Fear.

I assumed Dean drives everywhere because flying on short notice is FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

Jesus, people. JUST FLY PLASTERED. THAT IS WHAT THE AIRPORT BAR IS FOR. Brought to you by the National Committee for People Who Don’t Drink But Enjoy Laughing At People Who Do.
 
I would DIE LAUGHING if they’re on the wrong plane and no one is Amanda.

Wait, so every culture in the world has demons, but the Latin name of the Christian God works on all of them? Fuck you, show, we can add christocentrism to your sexism, suspiciously monochrome cast, and othering of Native American cultures.

Okay, liking Amanda again. That’s a good attitude to take to scary things.

CALM DOWN! ARE YOU CALM YET!? IF YOU DON’T CALM DOWN THE DEMONS WILL GET YOU AND KILL US ALL! SO CALM DOWN! OR ELSE WE ALL FUCKING DIE!!!

Okay, this thing is strong enough to open a door against two tons of pressure. Why the FUCK would you believe you can last long enough against it fully incarnate to cast the second half of your little cleric spell?

“Amanda, you have to believe us, this isn’t a two-parter and we don’t have time to talk it out.” “Well... okay, I believe you.”

“Well, you’re obviously pouring acid all over my coworker, but... okay, I’ll do what you say.”

Wait, are you saying that demons know something about someone who died in hellfire? Nah, that’s just too left-field.

Blah, blah, demon causes mechanical failure on the plane, Sam chasing the book to pad out the episode, because spending these couple of minutes shaking the camera and flashing the lights was WAY more important than spending them establishing an actual motivation for Amanda to play along with Sam and Dean’s nonsense.

Hmm... Sam is unaffected by the Christian rituals. Clearly evil-babies are far more powerful and dangerous than mere demons.

Or evil-babies aren’t Christian.

No, crosses hurting vampires in Buffy doesn’t bother me. That’s obviously just because the natural predator of the vampire is the Hound of Tindalos.
 
Amanda neither died nor kissed Dean! She is doing better than every other woman in the series thus far!

Here, have a reminder that this series has an ongoing plot, to hide how eminently skippable this episode is!

I will be very amused if it turns out their Dad just retired, and Dean missed the note on the fridge explaining it all.

But more likely he’s just trolling them. Dean had to inherit that dickery from somewhere, and it’s obviously not their mom, because her sole purpose in existence is to die horribly, she doesn’t get character traits of her own they could inherit.


Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father
-Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Little to no jerkassery this episode, but he continues to be Macho McTestosteronePoisoning.
-Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Assorted evil-babies
-Shell-necklace douchebro
-Woman who almost, but not quite, has a character (kissed Dean)
-Woman and douchebro’s little brother who exists for some reason, it’s not clear why
-Dickish hunter who, like, doesn’t know, man. He ain’t seen the shit I seen, man. (deceased)
-Immortal super-fast cannibal made of crepe paper and gasoline (deceased)
-Yet another disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot, also she is not buff and really very cute, not that you can’t be buff and cute, just ask Alex Armstrong (deceased)
-Asshole brother of disposable woman who claimed men don’t like buff women because apparently all men like the same things (deceased)
-Dad of disposable woman, also an evil-baby (deceased)
-Sheriff who is the smartest sheriff. The sheriff is also an evil-baby. (Deceased)
-Amy Acker because she needed some quick cash, or at least that’s what I’m assuming because it can’t have been the juicy part or thrilling script, this show doesn’t have those (kissed Dean)
-George John Campbell Lucas McSamePlot
-Lake-dwelling evil-baby (deceased) 
-Finn’s Fear (in Hell and/or Finn’s stomach, I guess technically this aired first so it probably went to Hell, and THEN to Finn’s stomach)
-Guy possessed by Finn’s Fear, who even sort of looks like that guy from “The Satan Pit,” man I hate that episode, but I still would rather watch it than this (deceased)
-Various people on an airplane, every single one of whom was white, I counted (deceased)
-Guy who knows Winchester pere and works for an airline or airplane company or something, he had a poltergeist once, he got better
-Pilot Chuck (deceased, boring)
-Amanda Waller (Not actually in the episode, she would have made it 10,000x cooler and probably recruited Finn’s Fear to the Suicide Squad or something)
-Amanda Walker, is afraid to fly and doesn’t mind if you pour acid on her coworkers, I am just saying she is maybe not the world’s best flight attendant
-Various people on an airplane, there was one woman of color, no one died, COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 3
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: .75
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.25

3/10 YOU LOST A TRINITY OF POINTS FOR CHRISTOCENTRISM BUT GOT ONE FOR AMANDA BEING ALMOST SORT OF COOL WHEN SHE WASN'T A HELPLESS PUPPET TO THE PLOT AND THIS WAS GENERALLY A PRETTY AVERAGE THING OTHERWISE SO 5+1-3=3.

I AM PUTTING WAY TOO MUCH THOUGHT INTO THESE SILLY RATINGS.  

Supernatural Episode 5: Bloody Mary

“Previously on Supernatural, episode one happened, and maybe two scenes from episode two.” And now I’m CERTAIN this is the same Previously On as episodes three and four.

Blah blah kids playing Bloody Mary. The absolute best version is the one Miami homeless kids came up with, where she’s the Virgin Mary gone insane with grief because Satan won and killed her husband God and son Jesus, because the kids need to explain why their entire existence is suffering. Also it is a secret religion that they are forbidden to tell anyone over the age of 12, but a really young-looking anthropologist interviewed them. Seriously, look it up, it’s awesome.

Also, as far as “things you summon by saying their names three times” go, Hastur is the best/worst.

Ah, Lily’s two friends are evil-babies.

Hey look, the little girl in the mirrors from Doctor Who.

You know how some faces just BELONG in certain decades? Lily’s older sister has a VERY 1980s face.

Hey, a scene with four girls and a man, and the girls all made it out alive? What are the odds!

Oh, good, a reminder of the episode one dual-fridging to make up for the last scene not killing any women.

I am so sick of ghoulish morgue employees. It is an obnoxious cliche. Where are the jaded, indifferent ones? The passionate committed-to-their-work ones?

“How many times has it been an actual medical thing and not something supernatural?” “I dunno, every time we’re not on camera?”

It’s not your fault, little girl. Except that it completely actually is. You summoned a demon-witch-ghost-thing and doomed as all.

Seriously though, Bloody Mary? If that actually fucking worked EVERY KID IN AMERICA would be dead.

I have NEVER heard that Bloody Mary goes for eyes. I thought she just killed you.

Okay, new girl is tough, skeptical, and too young for Dean to hit on. SHE IS PERFECT.

I give her until the next ad break, tops.

Blonde girl isn’t afraid of Bloody Mary, she’s toast.

Oh, she took her pants off in a horror movie, she’s double toast. First rule of schlock horror: If there are monsters or serial killers around, KEEP YOUR PANTS ON.

Okay, the thing with the reflection glaring at her is actually pretty cool, neat effect.

Seriously though, even if Bloody Mary is confined just to this town, NO ONE SHOULD MAKE IT TO ADULTHOOD.

You know who would be way more interesting than Bloody Mary and has a thing for eyes? The Corinthian.

FOR THE GREATER GOOD (the greater good)

Blah blah she’s picking people with dark secrets, they’ll find out Lily’s dad caused a death.

Ah, “Gary Bryman” is the boy Jill caused to die. Or it could all be a coincidence, and actually it’s just that it has the same hex value as JUSTIN BAILEY.

Fuck, it’s the earlier.

It’s going to be hard to make murder charges stick when your only witness is an evil ghost.

Man, Desolation Road is an amazing book. There’s this whole sequence where there’s this murder trial, and the defense calls the GHOST OF THE DECEASED as a witness, and it’s chaos. AND THIS ISN’T EVEN A BIG PART OF THE MAIN PLOT, IT’S JUST A SIDE STORY. Such a gloriously weird, joyful little book.

Girl whose name I don’t think was ever said is refusing to say “Bloody Mary,” she’s definitely going to die.

“The way her eyes cut out, it was almost... surgical.”

The cliches, they burn! Burn so much they even cremated Mary Worthington.

“And so the atom lost an electron to the very atom it was attracted to. How ionic.”

Ah, Charlie! That’s her name.

Another problem with this “every superstition is true” kind of story: So mirrors can trap ghosts? And also anyone who dies violently becomes a ghost? And who knows how many other ways there are to make ghosts? HOW IS THE PLANET NOT ASS DEEP IN GHOSTS?

Also, is there anyone in this town who DIDN’T secretly kill someone? Toledo, Ohio, secret murder capital of America.

Okay, public service announcement: There is NOTHING you can do or say to either cause or prevent another person’s suicide. Suicide is a SYMPTOM of a DISEASE, the most common disease in America. It can only be prevented by MEDICAL TREATMENT by doctors and therapists.

Blah blah Sam blames himself for the death of Jesse because he is an EVIL-BABY who causes MASS FRIDGING.

Wait, Sam still has secrets related to Jesse? People nunned like crazy in response to my comments on the first episode... is he really an evil-baby? Is that the secret? Because if that is the secret I will take back, like, THREE of the bad things I said about this show.

Estate Antiques: Umpteen Bajillion Mirrors.

HOLY SHIT WERE THOSE WEEPING ANGELS okay no they’re just mannequins

Doctor Who is a CHILDREN’S SHOW from BRITAIN and yet it manages to be scarier than this on a fairly regular basis

This show’s biggest crime, all the social justice issues aside, is that it’s BORING

Bloody Mary is actually going after Dean because he has deadly secrets, isn’t she?

Did Dean kill their dad? That would be a pretty excellent plot twist.

JESUS CHRIST SAM YOU’RE LOOKING FOR MARY

Also Dean for fuck’s sake quit lying you are AWFUL AT IT AND ALWAYS GET CAUGHT it used to be funny but now it’s just awful

*sigh* These cops are incompetent. I miss Sheriff Evil-Baby.

Oh, Sam predicted Jesse’s death and didn’t do anything. Meh, I was hoping he was going to be a confirmed Evil-Baby, but I guess that’s more season finale type stuff.

Oh look, the Supernatural people watched The Ring.

Oh are you serious? They held a mirror up to her and she MIRRORED HERSELF and went down to hell where all the evil ghost-ladies and their evil-babies go? WEAKSAUCE

But at least I was wrong about Charlie dying AND she didn’t kiss Dean SHE IS THE BEST

D’aww Sam is talking to Charlie but really to himself and it would be a really cute parallel IF I GAVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT SAM’S FEELINGS

I bet Sam’s brofusal (that started as a typo but I liked it too much to fix it) to talk about his secret will never ever come back to haunt him

Hey look, Jesse is standing silently staring at Sam SHE CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND STILL EXISTS ONLY AS A THING FOR SAM TO EMOTE OVER

This show is like the anti-FMA, Jesse is the anti-Nina

Sam is the anti-Al

Dean is basically Ed though to be honest only not as smart and hornier

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father
-Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Pretty much not a jerkass this episode, instead had as little personality as his brother, but at least he didn’t perv on anyone or get kisses this episode
-Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control also prophetic dreams apparently
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Assorted evil-babies I am counting Lily’s friends, they were jerks
-Yet another disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot, also she is not buff and really very cute, not that you can’t be buff and cute, just ask Alex Armstrong (deceased)
-Asshole brother of disposable woman who claimed men don’t like buff women because apparently all men like the same things (deceased)
-Dad of disposable woman, also an evil-baby (deceased)
-Sheriff who is the smartest sheriff. The sheriff is also an evil-baby. (Deceased)
-Amy Acker because she needed some quick cash, or at least that’s what I’m assuming because it can’t have been the juicy part or thrilling script, this show doesn’t have those (kissed Dean)
-George John Campbell Lucas McSamePlot He is in every episode lurking menacingly just off-camera, the scariest thing in this show so far is the possibility it’s going to go all Hero’s Journey
-Lake-dwelling evil-baby (deceased)
-Finn’s Fear (in Hell and/or Finn’s stomach)
-Guy possessed by Finn’s Fear (deceased)
-Various white people on an airplane (deceased)
-Guy who knows Winchester pere, he had a poltergeist once, he got better
-Pilot Chuck (deceased, boring)
-Amanda Walker, is afraid to fly and doesn’t mind if you pour acid on her coworkers, I’m just saying she’s maybe not the world’s best flight attendant
-Various white people and one WOC on an airplane
-Lily, has evil-baby friends, also it is all her fault
-Charlie, she is the best, why couldn’t she have been played by Amy Acker?
-Jill, who existed to be not very nice and then die to further the plot (died to further the plot, technically not a fridging because none of the male characters gave a fuck)
-80s face girl, apparently not responsible for any deaths, the virgins in whose blood she bathed in order too look like a teenager even though she’s actually 35.
-Woman who is so disposable we never even find out the truth about how she died and no one cares (deceased)
-Some other people maybe, I no longer care
-Bloody Mary, who somehow died decades after her own legend started, also she was defeated in a really silly way, it was no dragged into hell by the evil-baby ghosts she herself killed, I tell you what  

 

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 4
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: .8
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.2

Final Rating: 2/10 IT WAS BORING AND I’M TIRED AND EMOTIONALLY DRAINED FROM WATCHING MARK WATCH THE LAST THREE FMAB EPISODES ALSO I TOOK OFF AN EXTRA POINT FOR NEVER FUCKING EXPLAINING WHAT HAPPENED TO MRS SHOEMAKER WE FINALLY HAVE A WOMAN THE WRITERS CARE LESS ABOUT THAN MARY AND JESSE  

So... are people enjoying these? Because one the one hand they're pretty easy, but on the other hand, you know, they require me to watch Supernatural, so I really only want to do them if people like them...