Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E09-10)

Episode 9: Home

Previously on Supernatural... wait, this is different! It... has nothing whatsoever to do with the last seven episodes, but it’s different! (Damn, and I had a good joke lined up for it being the same, too. It was an Arrested Development reference, it would have been great. Even when you do what I want, you still disappoint me, show.)

I was SO sure the monster in the closet was going to grab her and drag her screaming back into it. I want a monster-in-the-closet episode.

Telekinetic monsters in the closet are the best monsters in the closet.

Yeah, of COURSE the evil house is the old Winchester place. I wonder if they’re named after the rifle manufacturers, what with the whole Mystery Mansion thing.

Did this show just kill off a kid? Because that would get it like one and half, two points for sheer ballsiness.

Nope. Nope, It Was All A Dream. Probably a Prophetic Dream (tm).

I hate prophecy as a narrative device, it’s the ultimate Because The Plot Said So.

Sam has dreams about horrible things happening to people and then they do? Evil-baby powers confirmed.

“First you tell me that you’ve got the shining—“ “That’s shinning. Yeh wanna be sued?”

Thus far this entire series has been set in flyover country, have you noticed?

Did they just NOT LIE about who they are? It’s almost like they’re capable of learning from past experience!

Or at least, Sam is.

The woman living in their house looks REALLY familiar, but I can’t place her. There’s something slightly odd about her mouth?

Richie is a juice junkie? OH NO, RICHIE IS POSSESSED BY THE EVIL TIME-TRAVELING GHOST OF BUSTER BLUTH! HE’S A TIME TRAVELER, HE CAN EXIST LATER IN THE TIMELINE THEN WHEN HE WAS DEFEATED!

Turns out it is the thing that killed their mom and Jessica, they beat it, find jobs as cropdusters, and the next eight and a half seasons are a workplace comedy.

If Dean has been in contact with their dad all along...

Oh, no, just leaving messages.

Is Dean wearing a wedding ring?

They’re not lying! Dean is capable of human emotion! The previously on changed! This is EASILY the best episode yet.
Oh Jesus fuck it’s one of those evil monkeys. Does ANYONE buy those outside of horror movies/shows? Owning one is like ASKING to be sucked into the bowels of hell or whatever.

Garbage disposal turns on. Calling it.

Ow. Yeah. Called it. And the monkey is all like “Ha ha!” because those little monkeys are almost as evil as evil-babies.

He started reading strange old books? Great, that’s ALWAYS a good idea, it never leads to discovering Secrets Man Was Not Meant to Know.

Cold-bangin..? What the hell is that? No, no, I don’t want to know, it’ll only upset me.

Wow, she’s good at cold-reading. That or she’s the one psychic on Earth that isn’t a fraud, but what are the odds?

Still, I like her. She’s tough.

Oh my god, is it going to LITERALLY fridge the kid? That would be THE BEST.

Ha!

Yeah, of course he wasn’t in any danger. International Guild of Ghosts and Demons union rules, evil-babies are safe.
Can Missouri come on ALL their investigations?

In fact, can we just stop following the Winchesters and get the Missouri show?

I mean, much as I hate psychics, I gotta say I love how she takes none of their shit.

It's all down to the actress, really. She's been handed a part that's nothing but stereotypical Magical Negro, with the whole "black women are bossy" stereotype ladled liberally on top, but she OWNS it and just OOZES charisma.

The second spirit is holding the poltergeist out because it’s the ghost of their mom, right?

Oh god, they’re going to kill off Missouri, aren’t they?

I like how the poltergeist can easily attack all three when they’re on different floors, but only one at a time when they’re in the same room.

The kitchen is TRASHED. Jenny is gonna be PISSED.

I just want Missouri to swoop in and tell Dean off every time he’s about to say or do anything.
Okay, there’s still ten minutes left to the episode and we haven’t found out exactly what Jenny’s running from. SOMETHING needs to explode.

Zelda Rubenstein? Who?

Okay, the TOTES DRAMATIC ZOOMS are getting straight-up silly.

Sam’s getting beat up by an invisible force, bet that saved on guest stars.

Ghost of their mom. Called it.

“Sam. I’m sorry.” “For what?” “For the affair with Satan that spawned you, evil-baby mine.”

Yes, yes, and the mom chases the poltergeist away.

“What’s happening to me?” When an evil-baby reaches a certain age, they may notice... changes, such as horns where no horns existed before, prophetic dreams, and a newfound interest in girls.

Missouri comes home to find their dad waiting for her, right?
Of course he’s there.

“I want to see them so much, but it would ruin the Greatest Dad Prank of All Time!”

Huh, so apparently this show *does* have a plot after all! I wonder if they bothered pretending they knew where it was going, like X-Files, or just copped to making it up as they went along like Buffy.

Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father
-Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Couldn’t be a bully OR assert his hegemonic masculinity this episode, because Missouri is the best
-Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control Now also has dreams about horrible things happening to innocent families, he’s clearly a complete monster.
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased) Came back as a ghost, sacrificed herself to save said male characters. Got to speak maybe three words.
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate
Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased)
-Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities
-Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased)
-The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper Possessed an evil-baby, thirsts for juice.
-Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby. (disappointing)
-Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
-Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
-Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over(deceased, technically not fridged)
-1x Magical Native American(presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
-Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)
-Jenny (still being sued, apparently, did we just forget that?)
-Plumber (lost his hand to a garbage disposal, in 20 years he will be the origin of the legend of Plungerhand)
-Jenny’s daughter Has a literal monster in her closet, it’s pretty great
-Jenny’s son Evil-baby, possessed by the evil time-traveling ghost of Buster Bluth, thirsts for juice, got actually, literally fridged. Basically the most perfect character this show has had or likely will ever have.
-Missouri, is also basically the best.
-Winchester pere, manages to be both a milquetoast AND a dick, so I guess that confirms he’s really their dad.

Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Missouri counter: 1
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.78
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1
Average Missouri per episode: 0.11 UNACCEPTABLE

Final Rating: 6/10 IF THE ENTIRE SHOW WERE THIS GOOD I MIGHT OCCASIONALLY CHOOSE TO WATCH IT IF NOTHING ELSE WERE ON

Episode 10: Asylum

Previously on Supernatural, the show was actually all right. So how are you going to disappoint me today, show?

Oh look, it’s a previously on with none of last episode. They’re just going to ignore that all that happened, aren’t they?

Oh joy, a haunted mental hospital. I’m sure this will be respectful and well-researched in regards to its treatment of mental illness.

Bolt cutters!? Why, that would imply that local children have access to hardware stores and/or their parents’ toolsheds!

Black Guy Dies First in 3... 2... 1...

Oh COME ON, what could POSSIBLY be in a mental hospital that gets a biohazard sign ON THE DOOR? This isn’t Silent Hill!

Oh hey, the ghosts are going for the white cop. Quite the unexpected switch-up there, show.

Great, a bonethief got him and is wearing his skin.

...Man, how did I get this far without referencing the best horror game ever?

Okay, I was about to get squicked out that SOMEHING ELSE was going to have sex with his wife in his body. Killing her is marginally less squicky?
That only counts as a fridge if someone the audience cares about cares about her, by the way.

Those are pretty imprecise coordinates. I’m surprised it’s only one town.
What if it’s not their dad? I mean obviously it is because he’s setting up all these things and then sending them there as part of the Epic Dad Prank. But what if it’s someone else fucking with them?

I love when they consult their Junior Woodchucks Guidebook.

Okay, that was a pretty clever twist on their usual doomed-to-failure fake identities.

None of them are particularly great, but I don’t think it’s really a contest. Hewitt, obviously.

“Maybe it’s more like Amityville.” “You mean a known and obvious hoax?”

Why are they both assuming the text message came from their dad?

Okay, I would honestly rather see Sam talk about his brother than find out about the South Wing, but that would require the writers to come up with a modicum of personality for him, so, you know.

This is one of those creepy dudes who reads up on psychology and tries to apply it to dating, isn’t it? He’s read about arousal misattribution and so he’s trying to deliberately terrify his date so she’ll like him more. I hope he fries... but he’s probably going to end up killing her, because that’s the show.

Dude, that sillhouette behind him looks like it has ears. Is it Batman?

That face-shaking effect is NEVER SCARY, why do horror things bother with it?

Also: OH NOES, it’s haunted by the ghost of NAVI! No wonder it drives visitors “insane”: “Hey, listen! Hey! Listen!”

These ghosts are pretty clearly Xel’lotath-aligned, they should enchant their shotgun with Chatturg’ha runes.

Right, Dean, because the right way to go through life is cowering in terror from every rumor, hiding under the bed.

Gavin is like a DEAN-caliber asshole. “Scarred for life” my ass. “Oh noes, I kissed someone who wasn’t Hollywood pretty, it is the WORST THING EVER.”

You’d be better off attacking the hinges, Dean, you AMATEUR.
HE whispered in your ear, not “it,” you vitalist.

Okay, WHY is Dean going alone? There’s no urgency here, they could both lead the kids out and then go back in.

Okay, that panel was pretty bloody obvious. How did the police miss that when looking for the bodies?

Wait, if the ghosts create enough static to show up on the EMF, how are their cell phones working?

And of course the biohazard room again. Was that a SECRET DOOR? This hospital IS from a video game.

Can you imagine the construction workers? “Um, so you want a... secret... door... in your hospital? That’s... different.”

Blah blah, angry evil ghost psychiatrist makes people “crazy” because that’s what psychiatrists do.

Seriously, have you ever noticed that, in media, EVERYTHING related to the mental health profession defaults to evil? The patients, the doctors, the treatments, the facilities...

Okay, I can SEE the outline of the secret door. There’s a line of light!

Blah blah brotherly love triumphs over the evil ghost doctor.
How did that not even damage Dean’s shirt?

But the guy didn’t hesitate at all to kill his wife, because apparently “bros before hos” is an actual law of nature in this universe. Blegh.

Okay, giving him an unloaded gun was fairly clever, and definitely better than The Power of Love. That only works if we see the characters earn it.

Okay, that’s the second thing I’ve seen TONIGHT where a lighter stays lit when thrown. I am like 90% certain lighters do not work that way.

“Now you kids spend the rest of your lives cowering in terror, ‘kay? Don’t try to take control of the horror in your lives by fighting back the way we did, you’re designated victims, not main characters.”

And then their dad calls them, I guess? Meh, I’m sure they’ll find some way to make next week a pure Monster of the Week anyway.
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
-Drunken, absent father (still punking them)
-The living incarnation of anxious masculinity He just hasn’t been bullying much lately, so I changed his description. Unfortunately it wasn’t so much character development as character drift.
-Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control Supposedly had massive breakthroughs in a single psychiatry session. Yeah, right. Also, you don’t go to psychiatrists for therapy, there aren’t enough psychiatrists for that. You go to have a focused conversation with the goal of getting a diagnosis and a prescription. Psychologists and social workers are where you get talk therapy.
-Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
-Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby. (disappointing)
-Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
-Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
-Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over(deceased, technically not fridged)
-1x Magical Native American(presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
-Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)
-Jenny (owned their house, lost it in the lawsuit the narrative just forgot about)
-Plumber (lost his house, sued Jenny)
-Jenny’s daughter
-Jenny’s son
-Missouri (I miss her already)
-Murder-suicide cop (deceased)
-Black cop (not dead, in this show’s most shocking twist yet)
-Gavin (dickweasel)
-Kat (yet another generically pretty blonde)
-Ghosts who just want attention
-Evil psychiatrist ghost (he lives in a Silent Hill level, and not one of the good ones)
Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and/or Lori and further the plot counter: 7
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Missouri counter: 1
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.7
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 0.9
Average Missouri per episode: 0.1 EVEN LESS ACCEPTABLE

Final Rating: 4/10 MEH BUT COULD BE WORSE