Previously on Supernatural, lightning sound effects! And we still have made a new Previously On! Or gotten opening credits!
Oh look. A women being held prisoner by a guy with a nasty knife. How original, show. Women depicted as helpless and endangered, nobody’s done THAT before.
Surprise! The cops are incompetent and let a criminal get away. I sure didn’t see that coming.
The SWAT team, of course, is all male.
Oh hey, Dean is a serial killer. I find this development equally unsurprising.
(And yes, of course obviously this’ll be a doppelganger story or something, but let me hope.)
Dean is giving a lecture about lying? What a fucking asshole.
Okay, look: People kill their significant others. And EVERY TIME there are friends and family who say “They didn’t do it, they’re not the type.” Dirty little secret of humanity: there is no “the type.” There are no monsters and no angels, only people being people.
Once again I find myself spending the early part of the episode DESPERATELY HOPING that there’s nothing supernatural going on. I want a series about two brothers traveling the country meddling in Supernatural problems and ALWAYS BEING WRONG. Of course, that’s what I wanted the X-Files to be, too: The Scully is always right but Mulder never stops believing show.
Basically I want this show to be a dramatic, violent Scooby-Doo.
30 seconds after I mention Scooby-Doo, a dog shows up. The dog saw everything. IT KNOWS ALL. BOW BEFORE YOUR CANINE MASTER.
Yep, shapeshifter monster. Turns into men and kills their girlfriends.
You know, what made Buffy great was that the monsters, as they are in all the best monster movies and stories, are reifications of things within the characters, their fears and hopes and traumas brought to life. Supernatural’s monsters are just kinda... there. Like, this would be a great monster if there were some identity issues in play for our characters, or trust issues... but there’s diddly squat here.
5:30 in the morning!? Man, I don’t care how good a friend you are, I’m not investigating your murder case before 10 at the earliest.
Oh crap, Dean shares my opinion. Time for seppuku.
Now they’re ambulance chasers.
Thanks episode, for reminding us that people who abuse and murder their loved ones are all easily spotted by their maniacal laughter and monocles, and anyone who seems like a nice guy must be one.
“Every culture in the world” Dean? Really? Dean (and by Dean, I mean the writers) really needs to knock off that bullshit, this is at least the second time he’s had a line like that. MANY cultures have shapeshifter lore, but many is not every.
Chasing a creature into the sewers. weird goop, things that transform... *cues the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme*
But... if it’s a shapeshifter... how do they know where its heart is?
Oh FOR FUCK’S SAKE, we get it! Them lying about their identities backfires!
Also: STFU Dean, you’ve been caught lying in EVERY OTHER EPISODE.
...huh? I don’t get his perks line. Is he talking about the gun? Because... yay? It’s a gun? I dunno about you, I’d rather have a Game Boy or something.
I wonder how much silver bullets cost. That’s probably like $40 of bullets Sam just shot into the pipes.
I guess we’re supposed to think the shapeshifter is one of the folks who passed them, but actually it’s EVERYONE. ALL OF ST LOUIS IS SHAPESHIFTERS! What a tweest!
Yeah, pretty sure I yelled this in FMA, too: NEVER SPLIT UP AGAINST A SHAPESHIFTER IT IS REALLY VERY MUCH NOT A SMART MOVE
Oh joy, another episode for Dean to save the day.
Okay, it’s moderately nifty that it gets the memories of the people it copies.
Oh god the monster actually IS Envy. Jealousy demon or something, which is why it goes after girlfriends I guess?
“Hmm, I hate you and don’t trust you. Let me set up a romantic fire and we’ll have a drink.”
Oh god no please no not Hollywood biology.
If he wants someone to love him, he is REALLY BAD AT IT. So, yeah, basically, just like Dean.
Shouldn’t there already be an APB out on Dean for impersonating a police officer?
So wait, if they didn’t call the cops, who did?
Pretty impressive that he manages to shapeshift and tear off his old skin without removing his pants.
Oh, okay, I was assuming the Rebecca in the sewers was the shapeshifter, pretty cute that it’s not.
Dang, Rebecca keeps her knives SHARP. Either she’s real serious about her cookery, or she never cooks at all.
I will take a full point away if this degerates into either of the brothers having to play “but which is the real one” With the other brother.
Okay. Good. Does it keep Dean’s face? Because otherwise he’s still going to have to go on the run.
Wait, so... that’s it? Dean’s legally dead and a murderer? And they just drive off and it’s fine?
That’s what makes this show so boring for me; nothing has any consequences, so I don’t care what happens. How much you want to bet that next episode has the same Previously On as this episode?
It’s getting really hard to be funny about this. It’s just tiresome. Next episode better be something SERIOUSLY RIDICULOUS. Like “the killer’s in the house!” or “bug bite EXPLODES INTO SPIDERS” urban-legend type ridiculousness. It won’t be any better, but at least it would be more mockable.
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
- Drunken, absent father
- Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming And now he’s a dead serial killer, not that that’ll ever be referenced again
- Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
- Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
- Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
- Assorted evil-babies
- Finn’s Fear (in Hell and/or Finn’s stomach)
- Guy possessed by Finn’s Fear (deceased)
- Various white people on an airplane (deceased)
- Guy who knows Winchester pere, he had a poltergeist once, he got better
- Pilot Chuck (deceased, boring)
- Amanda Walker, is afraid to fly and doesn’t mind if you pour acid on her coworkers, I’m just saying she’s maybe not the world’s best flight attendant
- Various white people and one WOC on an airplane
- Lily, has evil-baby friends, also it is all her fault
- Charlie, she is the best, why couldn’t she have been played by Amy Acker?
- Jill, who existed to be not very nice and then die to further the plot (died to further the plot)
- 80s face girl
- Woman who is so disposable we never even find out the truth about how she died and no one cares (deceased)
- Bloody Mary, who somehow died decades after her own legend started (died, ripped off The Ring, died again)
- Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named)
- Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales)
- Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship)
- Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!)
- My boredom, which is increasingly overwhelming my hate
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 1
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.33
Final Rating: 1/10 SO BORING SERIOUSLY THOUGH THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HORROR SHOW WHEN IS SOMETHING ACTUALLY SCARY GOING TO HAPPEN I HATE YOU ALL
Episode 7: Hookman
Previously, on Supernatural, oh for fuck’s sake.
Sorority girls? Peer pressure to be more sexual? I smell slasher flick.
OH MY GOD IT’S A GUY WITH A HOOK HAND
THIS IS HILARIOUS IT IS THE BEST THING SINCE EVIL-BABIES
Also, do people seriously make out in cars? I don’t drive, so I’ve never done it, and it always seemed really uncomfortable?
YES WANNABE DATE-RAPIST GO OUT
!
INVISIBLE hook-hand?
Oh my god, is it the GHOST of the hook-hand guy?
No, the girl said no, you’re supposed to kill the guy and let her go DAMMIT BUSTER HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN A SLASHER FLICK?
Okay, I guess he actually has
Also, yes, I am going to assume this is the ghost of Buster Bluth.
No duh your dad doesn’t want to be found, he is playing THE MOST EPIC DAD-PRANK EVER on them
Okay, seriously, Sam? You’re not Scully, stop trying. We all know you believe in all this shit.
Oh come on, the
Wow, way to be subtle Dean. That guy totally doesn’t think you’re investigating.
Dean is so totally me the two or three times I’ve been in a church. “Wait, why’s everybody looking down? Is there something on the floor?”
Dean pretending to be churchy is actually pretty funny?
I was actually starting to like this episode, but then Dean’s “Yeah, I think she’s hot, too” threw me right back out. STOP BEING DOUCHY MCMACHO, DEAN.
Okay, so maybe it’s not the ghost of Buster Bluth, but I can dream
STOP REFERENCING BETTER SHOWS AND MOVIES IT JUST MAKES ME WISH I WAS WATCHING THEM
Oh, drinking. I thought Preacher Dad assumed the sorority was all lesbian sex.
You just know all his ideas about them comes from Cinemax
Okay, the rock salt shotgun IS clever
Kinda hard to shoot an invisible dude
Ghost Buster better not kill Taylor
She is the first black character in the entire show and a woman who am I kidding OF COURSE she’s going to die
Thank you door for telling me her name, by the way
OH GOD DAMMIT
Lori is descended from Ghost Buster, isn’t she? That’s why the detail about him being a preacher.
*facepalm* Ghost Buster I DIDN’T EVEN INTEND THAT PUN
Unsurprisingly, Dean’s knowledge of sororities is also derived entirely from Cinemax
Okay it is NOT an accident that she has a “gob” poster
Buster is haunting her because Gob always picked on him
So it isn’t the ghost of a 19th century preacher, but something that haunts angry preachers and murders women? So it’s either Ghost Buster or Jack the Ripper. He’s supposed to have escaped to the U.S., isn’t he?
WAIT. Episode 5 established that ghosts can travel in time, since Bloody Mary’s legend predates her death. Maybe Ghost Buster IS Jack the Ripper!!!1!
Shacking up with a married woman? Oh, you are a CLASS ACT, Father Dad.
Yes, dig up the angry ghost, disturbing graves makes everything better.
Salt and fire, yeah, that’ll take care of most supernatural stuff.
It’s actually Lori summoning the ghost, isn’t it?
Okay, wait, what? Why is she kissing Sam? There’s like at least two scenes of bonding between them missing before this scene works.
Yep, it’s Lori.
Okay, there’s actually something vaguely resembling a logic to the thing with the hook? I like this. It’s neat.
Wait... doesn’t “St. Barnabas” imply a Catholic church? Aren’t Catholic preachers not allowed to have kids? *confused*
But Lori’s not literally descended from him, just closely associated with his church.
Okay, destroying the ghost’s hook IN HIS CHURCH may not have been a great plan?
Hey, Lori actually figured out this is connected to her! I kinda like her. She has something to her character besides a relationship, namely a strong moral code! That’s rare in this show.
I meant “woman having something to her character besides relationships,” but “moral code” works too. Most of the characters are kinda assholes? Lori takes it a little too far, though.
Of COURSE she’s the final target.
Ghost Buster isn’t scary, but he’s pretty cool, and has a neat death effect.
Can you even melt silver in a regular fireplace, though?
I like how NO ONE gives a fuck about Taylor. And by “like” I mean “dammit.”
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
- Drunken, absent father
- Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming He’s less of a bully lately, but still Macho McManlypants de la Anxiousmasculinity
- Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control He and Lori were made for each other, weren’t they?
- Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
- Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
- Lily, has evil-baby friends, also it is all her fault
- Charlie, she is the best, why couldn’t she have been played by Amy Acker?
- Jill, who existed to be not very nice and then die to further the plot (died to further the plot)
- 80s face girl
- Woman who is so disposable we never even find out the truth about how she died and no one cares (deceased)
- Bloody Mary, who somehow died decades after her own legend started (died, ripped off The Ring, died again)
- Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named)
- Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales)
- Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship)
- Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!)
- Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate
- Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased) Yes I am counting her
- Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities
- Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased)
- The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper
- A can of beans
- A can of Manwich They’re not actually in the episode, I mixed them and ate while watching
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 1
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.28
Final Rating: 5/10 ACTUALLY WATCHABLE I SHOULD BE ANGRIER ABOUT TAYLOR BUT IT’S PREDICTABLE AND ALSO THESE BEANS ARE PRETTY TASTY
But seriously though, it’s like someone pointed out that this show is whiter than Friends and they went UH-OH BETTER KILL A BLACK WOMAN TO PROVE WE’RE NOT RACIST
Episode 8: Bugs
Previously, on Supernatural, I ran out of ways to say that this previously on is the same every damn time.
Phat? Seriously? No one actually says that! Not even in 2003 or whenever this was.
Sinkholes and excessive misquitoes? Is this episode about urban blight?
No, just evil insects. OH GOD IT CRAWLED IN HIS EAR THAT IS GROSS
Still not scary, but pretty gross. I think one of my problems is that this show doesn’t seem to know the difference.
Okay, Dean watching Oprah is hilarious, him refusing to admit it moreso. Did this show gain a level or something?
How come nobody ever catches on that they talk like investigators instead of grieving nephews or whatever they’re posing as this week?
GOD THESE GUYS ARE SUCH CHILDREN
Man, I could totally go for some free barbecue. Or any barbecue, really. Good barbecue’s hard to find around here.
Dammit this is two episodes in a row where Dean is channeling me. Suburbia is a nightmare hellscape and I’m so glad to live in a real city now. I DO NOT LIKE HAVING ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH DEAN
GEE I WONDER IF PEOPLE WERE INCEST SHIPPING BY THIS POINT
Calling it: The realtor guy is sleeping with the head of sales and wife knows.
YES PLEASE BE ANOTHER EVIL-BABY
OH MY GOD THAT EVIL FACE YES YES YEEESSSSS
CAN YOU TELL I THINK THE EVIL-BABIES ARE THE BEST PART OF THE SHOW
Calling another thing: Pheromones. No psychic powers, no angels, this is a mad scientist type deal because we’re 8 episodes in and haven’t ha one yet.
Oh what a surprise, first woman defined by something she DOES rather than who she KNOWS and she’s dead. Not counting as a fridging, though, she’s a regular victim because she’s not being used as an excuse for a more important character to emote.
Ooh, that’s a pretty stick bug.
I am MASSIVELY disappointed that he’s apparently not an evil-baby after all. There need to be more evil kids in media, the child-industrial complex has had its way for too long!
Is it a demonic temple of bugs?
Nope, just a clearing and sound effects.
Yes, everyone walk into the place full of killer doom insects, that is a good plan.
Did Dean just—he is seriously poking it with a stick! This isn’t a metaphor, he is LITERALLY POKING THE EVIL BUG NEXUS WITH A STICK
AND NOW HE’S REACHING IN AND PULLING OUT SKULLS! THAT IS NOT AS COMMON A SAYING BUT STILL PROBABLY NOT HIS BEST PLAN
Fuck you Dean. Some families suck! If your family doesn’t work, you find a better family.
Dean is totally lying about their dad visiting Stanford.
OH IS THIS A FUCKING NATIVE AMERICAN BURIAL GROUND STORY?
Oh gods I’m already cringing at how they’ll depict Native Americans
I just hope it’s not as bad as the buffalo in My Little Pony
OH LOOK IT’S A MAGIC NATIVE AMERICAN *HEADDESK*
Well, at least we’ve got an entire town in danger this time.
“You don’t break a curse.” Well... that goes against basically every story about curses ever.
Of COURSE the kid Sam was bonding with is in danger.
LOL THEIR LIES ENVER WORK AND THEY NEVER STOP
...how the fuck do they have Matt’s cell phone number?
I’m still sad it wasn’t mad-scientist evil-babies.
Sure, 10,000 years of recorded history and we’ve never figured out a way to keep out bugs, but Dean can figure it out in an evening, right? They are SO BONED. What are the next eight seasons about?
A can of bug spray. That’s your brilliant plan? ALL THE LULZ FOREVER
THE BEEEEEES NOT THE BEEEES
Yes, because BURNING the bug spray so it makes a LIGHT that ATTRACTS BUGS is a great way to help get away from them. YOU ARE THE SMARTEST DEAN CLEARLY.
GEE IT’S A GOOD THING THE BUG EXPERT NOT-EVIL_BABY IS THERE BECAUSE OTHERWISE HOW WOULD WE KNOW THE THINGS EATING THROUGH THE WOOD ARE TERMITES?
I like how the room is ALREADY FULL of a BILLION BUGS but they’re all fine.
WAIT WHAT? They were in the house for like TEN MINUTES how is it already morning?
So... all Dean and Sam did, in the end, was tell the realtor family to hide from the bugs. I THINK THEY COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT.
“Well, this has been the biggest financial disaster of my career, but somehow, I really don’t care.” Except that, traumatized and triggered by the only thing he enjoyed before, Matt desperately needs therapy, and after being fired for this disaster, the family has no insurance. Yay?
The moral of the story, based on Dean and Sam’s conversation at the end: If your dad is unrelentingly horrible to you because you don’t fit into the narrow frame of his expectations, that’s your fault, and you should change or at least apologize to him for it. Fuck you, show.
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, characters who have not been seen or mentioned in three episodes not included):
- Drunken, absent father
- Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming He’s less of a bully lately, but still Macho McManlypants de la Anxiousmasculinity
- Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control He and Lori were made for each other, weren’t they?
- Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
- Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
- Zach’s girlfriend (not pictured or named)
- Zach, who totes didn’t murder his girlfriend because murderers never have friends who are main characters (except in season finales)
- Rebecca, Zach’s sister (because every male character on this show is defined by their actions or job and every female character by a relationship)
- Monster who is basically the incarnation of Nice Guy Syndrome, wish they’d done something with that (ha!)
- Lori, secretly an evil-baby who unknowingly summons Ghost Buster, so clearly Sam’s soulmate
- Taylor, disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for Lori and further the plot (deceased)
- Reverend Dad, who likes adultery but not sororities
- Lori’s date, needs to learn that no means no, kinda deserved to have something bad happen to him but probably not death by Buster (deceased)
- The Angry Time-Traveling Ghost of Buster Bluth, a.k.a. Jack the Ripper
- Matt, likes bugs, secretly not an evil-baby or mad scientist at all (disappointing)
- Construction worker guy, brain eaten by beetles I guess (deceased)
- Other construction worker guy, totally fell for the old “nephews” trick
- Woman who actually has a job and life of her own, died horribly but it didn’t particularly advance the plot or give another character something to emote over (deceased, technically not fridged)
- 1x Magical Native American (presumably returned to Central Casting whence he came)
- Matt’s parents (apparently have the power to fold time and space)
Women who kiss Dean: 2
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot per episode: 0.875
Average women who suffer horrible fates no one should have to endure per episode: 1.125
Final Rating: 3/10 ONLY MILDLY DISAPPOINTING BUT I KNOCKED AN EXTRA POINT OFF FOR THE EVIL-BABY COCKTEASE
Oh, wait till you get to the episode this season where it does turn out to not be anything supernatural...
ReplyDeleteFYI There are some protestant christian denominations that use saint names for their churches; specifically Anglican and some sects of Lutheranism.
ReplyDeleteAh. That would be it, then.
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