If you follow me on Twitter, or are one of the two people who both read this blog and know me on Facebook, you've already heard this, but: Mysticon, a convention in Roanoke, VA, called me yesterday. They just lost their former Guest of Honor, Marina Sertis, so they decided to replace her with another Star Trek: The Next Generation actor, John deLancey, who you probably already know played Q on that show and Discord on Friendship Is Magic.
Since he's the guest of honor, they want him to have the first panel of the con, and since there's already going to be a LOT of Star Trek over the weekend, they decided to make it a brony panel instead.
And who's established himself as their main person for brony-related stuff over the last two years?
So that's how I ended up as moderator of a John deLancie brony panel. February 21-23, Roanoke, VA.
*incoherent squees*
Analysis Is Magic
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Elements of Harmony 3: Zecora Is Best Pony
For the "Element of Harmony" backer tier on the My Little Po-Mo Volume
1 Kickstarter, one of the rewards was for the backer to select a pony, and I
would write an essay for this site on why that character is the best pony. This
is the third and, for now, final such essay.
As I discussed in the articles on Rarity and Applejack, the very concept of "best pony" requires that there be such a thing as "best," and therefore begs the question "best for what?" For the first two articles, that was largely all we had to consider, because it was easy to define the purposes for which Rarity and Applejack are best, and no particular valuations jumped out in which they are actively bad or harmful.
But this article is on Zecora, and as I've made fairly clear in the past, I believe Zecora's character to be deeply problematic, largely for issues of tokenism and othering. So it's not enough simply to point out the set of values for which Zecora is best pony, as I've already rejected those values. First, we must find a redemptive reading, a way to read Zecora counter to the problematic reading; only then can we find the value set for which that reading of Zecora is best pony.
There is, happily, a way to do so, and it requires only a fairly simple exercise: under what circumstances would Zecora not be problematic? Put another way, is it possible to render Zecora less problematic by changing the show around her while leaving Zecora herself intact? And if so, what changes to the show would accomplish this?
The first charge against Zecora, that of tokenism, comes with a ready answer to these questions. The problem of tokenism is that if an entire people have only one character to represent them, then any trait that character has reads as an assertion that the trait is universal to the people. Any negative trait becomes an indictment of an entire people; anything about the character that resembles a stereotype held in the larger culture becomes reinforcement of that stereotype. For example, if the token woman in a show likes fashion and is highly status-conscious, she reinforces stereotypes about women.
Why, then, is Rarity not problematically reinforcing stereotypes about women? Because she shares a show with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, equally prominent characters who are women, but don't share those particular stereotypical traits. Likewise, Applejack's nurturing side isn't a stereotype of the "even tough, take-charge women need to take care of babies" ilk, because Rainbow Dash isn't a nurturer.
So the solution to Zecora's tokenism problem is clear: more zebras. Zecora's position as the wise mentor-figure recalls the "magical savage" stereotype of non-European people and the "magical Negro" in particular; add another zebra who isn't like that and it becomes a personal trait of Zecora, not something shared by all zebras on the show. Zecora speaking in rhyme recalls minstrel shows and the stereotype of "black person equals rapper," so add a zebra who doesn't do it, and it becomes a personal trait of Zecora.
The other major challenge with Zecora is the appropriation and misuse of cultural iconography around her. The show has been very careful to give each pony tribe iconography associated with a particular subset of European culture--Old West for the Earth ponies, Classical for the pegasi, fairy-tale medieval for the unicorns. Zecora, however, gets a mishmash of African culture, evidence that less care is being taken. The writers clearly know less about African culture than their own, and are uninterested in trying to learn enough more to make Zecora's hut from as distinct a time and place as, say, the architecture of Cloudsdale (which isn't even all that distinct--it's a region hundreds of miles across and a period a thousand years long, compared to the thousands of miles and years lumped into Zecora's genericized Africa).
The solution is, again, to show more. Spend an episode in zebra country, either through the ponies visiting it or, even better, Zecora telling her story. Show that zebra (and African) culture is as varied, sophisticated, and deep as pony (European) culture. Maybe Zecora wandered zebra country before she came to Ponyville, and the contents of her hut come from different zebra communities. This would still be imperfect, as any depiction of human cultures as different species is inherently problematically othering, but it would be a vast improvement.
The problem, in other words, isn't that Zecora exists. It's that there's only one of her. The show needs more zebra. Thus, one sense in which Zecora is best pony is that she is the pony there needs to be more of, not in a personal sense of her character needing more screentime, but in the sense that there need to be more ponies who are like her, yet distinct.
Which leads to the second sense in which Zecora is best pony: representation. It's easy for someone who is frequently represented in media (say, a white, heterosexual, middle-class cismale such as myself) to forget how powerful seeing that representation actually is for someone who doesn't get it nearly as often. Junot Diaz expresses it well:
In that hypothetical show, where there are multiple tribes of zebras with distinct cultures, and multiple zebra characters with distinct personalities independent of cultural differences, and the buffalo have a distinct culture and individual personalities instead of being appalling stereotypes, and maybe a few other real-world ethnicities get depicted--in that show, is Zecora best pony?
Certainly she has her virtues. She is a born mentor, as witness her interactions with Apple Bloom, who is usually not the best student. She also, after Twilight's defeat at the hands of Trixie in "Magic Duel," patiently helps Twilight come to the realization that magic alone will not enable her to win, that she cannot overpower Trixie but can outwit her. She is tremendously patient and forgiving in "Bridle Gossip," helping cure the ponies of their poison joke-inflicted ailments even after the repeatedly insult her and wreck her home, but at the same time not a pushover--she only does it after they realize the misunderstanding and apologize. She's excellent with children as well; witness again her interactions with Apple Bloom in "Bridle Gossip" and "The Cutie Pox," along with her quite entertaining storytelling session in "Luna Eclipsed," which also demonstrates that she's quite a good storyteller and entertainer. She has, in other words, all the qualities of a truly excellent primary school teacher, arguably more so than Cheerilee--at least, she has had more opportunity to demonstrate her abilities than Cheerilee has.
So we have two distinct senses in which Zecora can be taken as best pony. Within the context of the show as it is, she is deeply problematic, but at the same time the pony most defined by the show needing more of her, which certainly seems a reasonable enough definition of "best pony." Outside that context, she is an excellent teacher and mentor, a great fit for a show about growing and learning and an aspirational fandom. Finally, she represents much-needed representation for viewers who aren't necessarily of European descent, particularly black viewers. She is an important character with potential, who deserves a better depiction and better context than she has.
As I discussed in the articles on Rarity and Applejack, the very concept of "best pony" requires that there be such a thing as "best," and therefore begs the question "best for what?" For the first two articles, that was largely all we had to consider, because it was easy to define the purposes for which Rarity and Applejack are best, and no particular valuations jumped out in which they are actively bad or harmful.
But this article is on Zecora, and as I've made fairly clear in the past, I believe Zecora's character to be deeply problematic, largely for issues of tokenism and othering. So it's not enough simply to point out the set of values for which Zecora is best pony, as I've already rejected those values. First, we must find a redemptive reading, a way to read Zecora counter to the problematic reading; only then can we find the value set for which that reading of Zecora is best pony.
There is, happily, a way to do so, and it requires only a fairly simple exercise: under what circumstances would Zecora not be problematic? Put another way, is it possible to render Zecora less problematic by changing the show around her while leaving Zecora herself intact? And if so, what changes to the show would accomplish this?
The first charge against Zecora, that of tokenism, comes with a ready answer to these questions. The problem of tokenism is that if an entire people have only one character to represent them, then any trait that character has reads as an assertion that the trait is universal to the people. Any negative trait becomes an indictment of an entire people; anything about the character that resembles a stereotype held in the larger culture becomes reinforcement of that stereotype. For example, if the token woman in a show likes fashion and is highly status-conscious, she reinforces stereotypes about women.
Why, then, is Rarity not problematically reinforcing stereotypes about women? Because she shares a show with Rainbow Dash and Applejack, equally prominent characters who are women, but don't share those particular stereotypical traits. Likewise, Applejack's nurturing side isn't a stereotype of the "even tough, take-charge women need to take care of babies" ilk, because Rainbow Dash isn't a nurturer.
So the solution to Zecora's tokenism problem is clear: more zebras. Zecora's position as the wise mentor-figure recalls the "magical savage" stereotype of non-European people and the "magical Negro" in particular; add another zebra who isn't like that and it becomes a personal trait of Zecora, not something shared by all zebras on the show. Zecora speaking in rhyme recalls minstrel shows and the stereotype of "black person equals rapper," so add a zebra who doesn't do it, and it becomes a personal trait of Zecora.
The other major challenge with Zecora is the appropriation and misuse of cultural iconography around her. The show has been very careful to give each pony tribe iconography associated with a particular subset of European culture--Old West for the Earth ponies, Classical for the pegasi, fairy-tale medieval for the unicorns. Zecora, however, gets a mishmash of African culture, evidence that less care is being taken. The writers clearly know less about African culture than their own, and are uninterested in trying to learn enough more to make Zecora's hut from as distinct a time and place as, say, the architecture of Cloudsdale (which isn't even all that distinct--it's a region hundreds of miles across and a period a thousand years long, compared to the thousands of miles and years lumped into Zecora's genericized Africa).
The solution is, again, to show more. Spend an episode in zebra country, either through the ponies visiting it or, even better, Zecora telling her story. Show that zebra (and African) culture is as varied, sophisticated, and deep as pony (European) culture. Maybe Zecora wandered zebra country before she came to Ponyville, and the contents of her hut come from different zebra communities. This would still be imperfect, as any depiction of human cultures as different species is inherently problematically othering, but it would be a vast improvement.
The problem, in other words, isn't that Zecora exists. It's that there's only one of her. The show needs more zebra. Thus, one sense in which Zecora is best pony is that she is the pony there needs to be more of, not in a personal sense of her character needing more screentime, but in the sense that there need to be more ponies who are like her, yet distinct.
Which leads to the second sense in which Zecora is best pony: representation. It's easy for someone who is frequently represented in media (say, a white, heterosexual, middle-class cismale such as myself) to forget how powerful seeing that representation actually is for someone who doesn't get it nearly as often. Junot Diaz expresses it well:
You know, vampires have no reflections in a mirror? There's this idea that monsters don't have reflections in a mirror. And what I've always thought isn't that monsters don't have reflections in a mirror. It's that if you want to make a human being into a monster, deny them, at the cultural level, any reflection of themselves. And growing up, I felt like a monster in some ways. I didn't see myself reflected at all.Zecora is the only pony representing a non-European culture, and that makes her best pony if seeing <i>more</i> representation of non-European cultures is more important than seeing <i>better</i> representation of non-European cultures--which is a perfectly reasonable position to take, as either can do real good in the world. The problem of Zecora is once more not that Zecora shouldn't exist; it's that we need more and better Zecoras.
In that hypothetical show, where there are multiple tribes of zebras with distinct cultures, and multiple zebra characters with distinct personalities independent of cultural differences, and the buffalo have a distinct culture and individual personalities instead of being appalling stereotypes, and maybe a few other real-world ethnicities get depicted--in that show, is Zecora best pony?
Certainly she has her virtues. She is a born mentor, as witness her interactions with Apple Bloom, who is usually not the best student. She also, after Twilight's defeat at the hands of Trixie in "Magic Duel," patiently helps Twilight come to the realization that magic alone will not enable her to win, that she cannot overpower Trixie but can outwit her. She is tremendously patient and forgiving in "Bridle Gossip," helping cure the ponies of their poison joke-inflicted ailments even after the repeatedly insult her and wreck her home, but at the same time not a pushover--she only does it after they realize the misunderstanding and apologize. She's excellent with children as well; witness again her interactions with Apple Bloom in "Bridle Gossip" and "The Cutie Pox," along with her quite entertaining storytelling session in "Luna Eclipsed," which also demonstrates that she's quite a good storyteller and entertainer. She has, in other words, all the qualities of a truly excellent primary school teacher, arguably more so than Cheerilee--at least, she has had more opportunity to demonstrate her abilities than Cheerilee has.
So we have two distinct senses in which Zecora can be taken as best pony. Within the context of the show as it is, she is deeply problematic, but at the same time the pony most defined by the show needing more of her, which certainly seems a reasonable enough definition of "best pony." Outside that context, she is an excellent teacher and mentor, a great fit for a show about growing and learning and an aspirational fandom. Finally, she represents much-needed representation for viewers who aren't necessarily of European descent, particularly black viewers. She is an important character with potential, who deserves a better depiction and better context than she has.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Defeated by Media
I've owned House of Leaves for several years now. I've started reading it twice, made it about halfway through both times, and just been unable to continue. I like it a lot! It's simply very challenging to read, and very unsettling, and the combination of the two means that once I put it down, it's hard to pick it back up.
Do you have any books/shows/movies/games/whatever like that? Things you like, you just can't seem to finish them?
Do you have any books/shows/movies/games/whatever like that? Things you like, you just can't seem to finish them?
Monday, November 4, 2013
So. Higurashi.
First, some general site news: I am currently building a Wordpress site to replace this one, for two reasons: 1) I'm a published author now, [my name].com should go to my site, 2) Wordpress has a vastly superior commenting system to Blogger, and 3) I'm doing increasing amounts of non-pony stuff, which is hell on my traffic but great for keeping me from burning out, and I want everything to share one home. Some time in the next week or two, this site will move to the new location (I was hoping for this week, but I appear to have accidentally blown up Wordpress to the point that I can no longer access the site dashboard), and mlpomo.blogspot.com (as well as animated-discussions.blogspot.com, not that anyone ever went there) will be redirects to the new site. All articles and comments from all three of my blogger blogs will be imported to the new site, so it will have the full archive. On with today's thought...
I mentioned Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (English title variably When They Cry: Higurashi or When the Cicadas Cry, depending on who you talk to) when discussing The Art of the Opening, on the grounds that its first season has a really, really good one. That was right before Halloween, and it's a horror anime, so I started rewatching it.
It is definitely not as good the second time around. The problematic elements are all still there, and once you know all the big twists, it becomes very clear just how poorly put together the series is. Except for some gloriously over-the-top facial expressions, the animation is quite poor. Characters go off-model frequently, motions are simplistic and repetitive, and often bizarrely out of place, as the anime can't quite decide whether it wants to be a horror series with comedy interludes or slice-of-life interludes, and thus achieves neither.
That last is a serious problem for the writing, as well. The melodrama is frequently too much melo, not enough drama, while the comedy tends to occur at inappropriate times and not be particularly funny. Particularly obnoxious in that regard is Dr. Irie, who is a straight-up pedophile stalking a little girl who is both his patient and his research subject, and his unbelievably creepy comments and intentions regarding Satoko are repeatedly treated as a joke by the framing, even while the characters themselves seem to be under the impression that he's serious.
The writing also struggles. The need to have a cliffhanger every episode, coupled with the need to fill a preset episode count, combines to produce some very odd pacing. Most noticeable is the final episode of the first arc of the second season, which contains more than seven minutes of flashbacks, mostly to the previous episode but with a few scenes repeated from the same episode, and has characters bizarrely repeating to each other conversations the viewer has already seen. It could not be more obvious that the arc was half an episode short on story, and had to have its ending massively padded.
Characterization is basically non-existent. The main cast are a milquetoast generic boy from the Tenchi Masaki school of bland audience surrogates and his chaste harem of annoying moe archetypes, as cliché a setup as possible for an anime of the 2000s. Characters' personalities shift between arcs in the first season, not just due to the paranoia afflicting the focus character of each arc, but at random--in early arcs Satoko detests Keiichi, but then suddenly there's an arc where she looks up to him. In first season Shion hates Satoko, and then in second season she's Satoko's surrogate big sister. Small changes between arcs make sense, since they represent alternative possibilities, but complete rewrites of characters and their relationships not so much.
But then, character is always subordinate to plot in this series. Each arc represents a painful combination of characters who have very good reason not to talk being much too open with information (for example, Irie discussing intimate details of a patient's case, Ooishi's apparent burning need to tell random teenaged witnesses-who-might-be-suspects the details of his ongoing investigation) and characters refusing to dispense important information for flimsy reasons (or because they're suffering from a paranoia-inducing contagion). Which happens is entirely about what is most convenient for the plot--characters are chatty when the building of suspense requires a reveal, and taciturn when they know something that might prevent the string of murders about to occur.
And yet... the core premise is really good. There are few reveals in anime as jarring as episode 5 of the first season, as characters we just saw die in the previous episode are now up and about, few creeping realizations as simultaneously satisfying and disturbing as realizing we've gone back to episode 1, but it's happening differently now. The mystery is revealed slowly but steadily in a way that suggests there actually is an answer, unlike most serialized mystery/conspiracy plotlines (see The X-Files for one of the most famously obnoxious examples). Clearly, there's something compelling here, enough so that the show by and large gets away with shallow, sexist characterization and cheap animation.
I mentioned Higurashi no Naku Koro ni (English title variably When They Cry: Higurashi or When the Cicadas Cry, depending on who you talk to) when discussing The Art of the Opening, on the grounds that its first season has a really, really good one. That was right before Halloween, and it's a horror anime, so I started rewatching it.
It is definitely not as good the second time around. The problematic elements are all still there, and once you know all the big twists, it becomes very clear just how poorly put together the series is. Except for some gloriously over-the-top facial expressions, the animation is quite poor. Characters go off-model frequently, motions are simplistic and repetitive, and often bizarrely out of place, as the anime can't quite decide whether it wants to be a horror series with comedy interludes or slice-of-life interludes, and thus achieves neither.
That last is a serious problem for the writing, as well. The melodrama is frequently too much melo, not enough drama, while the comedy tends to occur at inappropriate times and not be particularly funny. Particularly obnoxious in that regard is Dr. Irie, who is a straight-up pedophile stalking a little girl who is both his patient and his research subject, and his unbelievably creepy comments and intentions regarding Satoko are repeatedly treated as a joke by the framing, even while the characters themselves seem to be under the impression that he's serious.
The writing also struggles. The need to have a cliffhanger every episode, coupled with the need to fill a preset episode count, combines to produce some very odd pacing. Most noticeable is the final episode of the first arc of the second season, which contains more than seven minutes of flashbacks, mostly to the previous episode but with a few scenes repeated from the same episode, and has characters bizarrely repeating to each other conversations the viewer has already seen. It could not be more obvious that the arc was half an episode short on story, and had to have its ending massively padded.
Characterization is basically non-existent. The main cast are a milquetoast generic boy from the Tenchi Masaki school of bland audience surrogates and his chaste harem of annoying moe archetypes, as cliché a setup as possible for an anime of the 2000s. Characters' personalities shift between arcs in the first season, not just due to the paranoia afflicting the focus character of each arc, but at random--in early arcs Satoko detests Keiichi, but then suddenly there's an arc where she looks up to him. In first season Shion hates Satoko, and then in second season she's Satoko's surrogate big sister. Small changes between arcs make sense, since they represent alternative possibilities, but complete rewrites of characters and their relationships not so much.
But then, character is always subordinate to plot in this series. Each arc represents a painful combination of characters who have very good reason not to talk being much too open with information (for example, Irie discussing intimate details of a patient's case, Ooishi's apparent burning need to tell random teenaged witnesses-who-might-be-suspects the details of his ongoing investigation) and characters refusing to dispense important information for flimsy reasons (or because they're suffering from a paranoia-inducing contagion). Which happens is entirely about what is most convenient for the plot--characters are chatty when the building of suspense requires a reveal, and taciturn when they know something that might prevent the string of murders about to occur.
And yet... the core premise is really good. There are few reveals in anime as jarring as episode 5 of the first season, as characters we just saw die in the previous episode are now up and about, few creeping realizations as simultaneously satisfying and disturbing as realizing we've gone back to episode 1, but it's happening differently now. The mystery is revealed slowly but steadily in a way that suggests there actually is an answer, unlike most serialized mystery/conspiracy plotlines (see The X-Files for one of the most famously obnoxious examples). Clearly, there's something compelling here, enough so that the show by and large gets away with shallow, sexist characterization and cheap animation.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
This isn't quite what I expected. (Dragon Quest)
 |
| Wait, which one's Erdrick again? |
In the news, the world's population hits seven billion according to the U.S. Census Bureau, a fight breaks out at the U.N. Human Rights Council (which presumably is also the U.N. Commission on Irony), and Rick Santorum wins the Republican Presidential primaries in Alabama and Mississippi, which both tells you everything you need to know about Rick Santorum and everything you need to know about Alabama and Mississippi, and Encyclopaedia Britannica goes online-only because, honestly, encyclopedias were always hypertexts anyway.
"Dragon Quest," written by Merriwether Williams and directed by James Wootton, is much like "The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well" in that it depicts serious flaws in the socialization of one of our culture's two largest genders, but unlike the earlier Williams episode, this time it appears to be intentional.
Dragons have been repeatedly depicted as a dark reflection of ponies, most prominently in Season One's "Dragonshy," where the dragon served as a Jungian Shadow to Fluttershy. Here, however, they serve as a reflection in a different way; rather than the dark side of ponies, they are the masculine counterpart to the matriarchal society of Equestria. Every dragon Spike speaks to in this episode has a male voice, contrasting sharply with Spike, who is voiced by Cathy Wiseluck--a male character with a woman's voice, just as Spike effectively declares himself in this episode to be a pony on the inside even as he is a dragon on the outside.
There is certainly much room for a trans* reading of this episode, given its theme that who you are is not dependent on the physical form you happen to take, however much others may judge or place expectations on you based on that form. However, the episode also contains elements that mitigate against a trans* reading, most notably that Spike continues to identify as a dragon after this episode. It can equally, and perhaps more strongly, be read as a rejection of gender roles outright: Spike will define for himself what it means to be a dragon (that is, masculine), and refuses to accept that it requires behaving like the vile older dragons (men) he has met.
At the heart of this reading of the episode is one of the most perfect depictions of hegemonic masculinity I have ever seen, the game of King of the Hoard, where dragons fight each other to reach the top of a mountain of treasure, throwing each other down as they ascend, until ultimately everyone falls and the treasure goes unclaimed. "Hegemonic masculinity" is a term coined by R.W. Connell to describe the relationship between gender and power in our society, and specifically the way in which, in a patriarchal kyriarchy, masculinity becomes defined by the possession and exercise of power.
Important here is the distinction between power and freedom, which can be summed up simply as such: freedom is the ability to make meaningful choices, while power is the ability to take freedom from others, to assert control. Take wealth as an example: for most people, wealth is a source of freedom, since it permits you to buy things you otherwise could not, adding new options. For the wealthiest of the wealthy, however, there is no longer an increase in freedom from wealth; you can only actually ride one jet or live in one mansion at a time, so buying a second is not much of an increase in freedom. However, the accumulation of wealth at that level allows you to build power--buying up voting stock in companies to make them do what you want, for instance, or using campaign contributions to get politicians to pass laws you favor.
All power is inherently anxious. Increased freedom invites resentment only from those who desire power over you, but increased power invites resentment both from those who desire power and those who desire freedom. If you have power over someone, it becomes difficult for them to exercise power over you, and so to increase in power is necessarily to take that power from another. The existence of power creates a hierarchy, and so long as one is not at the top of the hierarchy, there is anxiety about the potential of those higher to use their power on you. The higher one goes, however, the greater the number of those below, who naturally resent you for exercising power over them, and thus even to reach the top is no escape from anxiety. Heavy is the head and light the sleep of the one who wears the crown.
If masculinity is defined by power, then masculinity is inherently anxious as well. That can be seen in this episode; as one who lacks physical prowess, social standing, or the capacity to intimidate, Spike is rejected as not being a dragon at all. He is a "namby-pamby" (that is, weak and insipid) pony because he is small. The contests the dragons engage in are all tests of power, whether physical strength in the form of a tail-pulling competition, the use of violence to attain social dominance in King of the Hoard, or size and resilience in the lava dive. Even the belching contest is a demonstration of the ability to make noise and resist the social pressures of etiquette. While resisting social norms can be either a demonstration of power or of freedom, in this case it appears to be a declaration of the refusal to follow rules of any sort, which is a threat and therefore an assertion of power.
The ultimate declaration of power by the dragons, however, is the raid on the phoenix nest. The dragons appear to have no interest in the eggs as food--they tell Spike to smash the one egg he finds--but instead wish to destroy them simply for the sake of destroying them, because it is "fun." To destroy is the ultimate assertion of power, because it not only constrains choices involving that which is destroyed, but eliminates all possibility of making any choice involving that which is destroyed. (Likewise, to create is the ultimate expression of freedom, since it not only gives access to preexisting choices but calls new options into being; that, along with her heavily emphasized femininity, is why Rarity is positioned as the anti-dragon in this episode.)
This is the final straw for Spike; he is unwilling to destroy for the sake of destruction, because he has no desire to wield power. If that is what it takes to be recognized as a dragon, then he will not be a dragon. If that is what it takes to be masculine, then he will not be masculine--but fortunately, that is not what it takes to be masculine. There are many ways to construct masculinity, and the show provides positive constructions of masculinity as diverse as the constructions of femininity it presents, most notably Big Macintosh and Fancy Pants in past episodes, and Shining Armor to come.
Spike, at the end of this episode, is not a pony. He is a dragon who has looked at dragon culture and rejected it, an outsider who makes a conscious decision between the groups to which he does not belong, who pursues one rather than another. He has struggled in the past, and will continue to struggle, with issues of entitlement and Nice Guy Syndrome, but he wants to acquire the good qualities he sees in the ponies, and reject the heavily gendered, power-driven culture that rejects him. Spike, more than any character we have seen before, more even than the Cutie Mark Crusaders, is a brony.
Next week: Honestly, this title would have been more appropriate for three episodes ago.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Snarky Supernatural Saturday (S1 E1-3)
Today marks the launch of a new feature on the site, Snarky Supernatural Saturdays. As I've mentioned before, I'm a fan of and regular commenter on Mark Watches. Recently, Mark has started watching Supernatural, and I decided to take the opportunity to watch it myself. It made sense to me that I would probably like it: many of my friends are fans, and I am a big fan of Doctor Who and like what I've seen of Sherlock, the other two pillars of the fan-Tumblr trinity.
So I decided to watch it in synch with Mark, one episode at a time, the night before his review of that episode goes up. Taking a cue from how I've commented on his Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Reviews, I watched the episode on the right half of the screen while taking notes on the left half. For FMA:B, my notes were generally a mix of insights, praise for good moments, and silly jokes. But for that first episode of Supernatural...
For that first episode of Supernatural, my notes were nothing but snark. Because, it turns out, I don't like Supernatural. I don't dislike Supernatural. At least now, three episodes in, I feel nothing but contempt for Supernatural. It does not deserve analysis or even a sensible recap; all it gets are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts while watching and reactions to what I see on screen. These might make more sense if you watch them with the episodes, but that would require watching Supernatural, so I recommend against it.
Please note, the comments for these posts in particular are a SPOILER FREE ZONE. Do NOT post spoilers, part of the point of this project is that I have no idea what's coming. "Oh man, you won't believe it but your guess is totally right!" counts as a spoiler. So does "I can't believe how wrong you are about that guess," and "Oh, you have a problem with that, don't worry, it gets better." ANYTHING which is not immediately obvious from the episodes I have seen so far is a spoiler.
Anyway, that aside, here's this week's snark:
Episode 1: Pilot
Been meaning to try this show for a while now. Here’s what I know about this series:
Aw, what a sweet, loving family to whom nothing bad could ever happen.
Does the baby have evil powers? Tell me the baby has evil powers. I mean moreso than babies normally do.
That didn’t look like her husband in the baby’s room. Was it him?
Ah. No. It wasn’t.
THE BABY ATE HER
NOW HE IS A HAPPY EVIL-BABY
EVIL-BABY is crying at the hellfire. He doesn’t like the competition.
So, when they were little their mother died and their house burned down. I DO NOT SEE WHY PEOPLE COMPARE THEM TO THE ELRICS. NOPE, NOT AT ALL.
Those were the shortest, least interesting credits ever.
“Where’s your costume?” “I’m going as EVIL-BABY, can’t you tell?”
So they spar a lot as adults? And the younger one is taller? And their father is missing? I STILL DON’T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE TO THE ELRICS.
Let’s argue as a transparent excuse to explain the plot to the audience! *yawn*
Not to mention the standard getting-the-band-back-together vs. I’m-retired-now plot.
I knew they had a car!
Men disappearing on a stretch of road, woman’s voice saying “I can never go home?” Oh, please tell me this isn’t an evil version of the vanishing hitchhiker.
Girl by side of road, hitting on guy with car? Dammit, it’s worse, it’s a sexy evil version of the vanishing hitchhiker.
Dude, I can hear your accent. You were a teenager in the U.S. YOU KNOW WHAT A VANISHING HITCHHIKER IS. RUN AWAY.
THANK YOU.
Except that you’re not a main character, so if you’re runnign away that means running away doesn’t work.
Okay, why did none of the reports mention the BLOOD in the cars? You would think that is SLIGHTLY IMPORTANT. Kind of makes it unlikely it was a kidnapping.
Black Sabbath, Motorhead, and Metallica. I HAVE NO ISSUES WITH THIS SELECTION.
“No sign of struggle.” WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOOD THEN?
Troy Squire is possibly the frattiest frat-boy name ever fratted.
Okay, if the vanishing hitchhiker kills whoever picks her up, HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW THE STORY? I HATE GHOST STORIES LIKE THIS SO VERY MUCH BECAUSE THEY MAKE NO SENSE.
Oh look, it’s another urban legend, the double bathtub drowning baby.
Sam looks a very little bit like Walter White, Jr. Are they related?
I just cannot get into the character stuff when the plot of the episode is so distractingly bad.
So... just because you say you have the same last name, the hotel owner lets you into the room?
Ooh, salt circle. Okay, that earns a point for accuracy.
Wow, I kind of hate Dean? I merely dislike Sam. This is going swimmingly.
I am so sick of jackass bullies who take nothing seriously as main characters. As with everything else in modern media, I blame George Lucas.
I would complain about the incompetence of the police officers, but, you know, police officers.
Oh no, now Sam’s virtuous heart and refusal to cheat on Jessica will break the curse.
I guess I’m supposed to be curious about where their dad’s gone? If I had any reason to care about them I probably would be.
I kinda like the holes appearing in his chest, but the evil ghost face is silly.
Yeah, Dean, shoot the ghost, that always works.
Maybe if the first 30 shots don’t kill her, the next one will!
I do like that the solution was not “Sam is too good for the ghost to kill,” but rather “drive a car through the wall and let the evil-baby ghosts handle the rest.”
HOLY FUCK THOSE EVIL-BABIES ARE CREEPY AS FUCK.
YES, EVIL-BABIES, YOU GO TO HELL WITH YOUR MOMMY. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE.
I will happily watch this series if every episode is evil-babies.
Okay, seriously, were you not paying attention? OF COURSE THIS IS WHERE SHE DROWNED HER BABIES, THAT WAS SUPER OBVIOUS.
Somehow I suspect the narrative will punish Sam for pursuing his dreams rather than remaining a slave to his family’s wishes and lifestyle.
WHAT TEAM, DEAN? SAM DID EVERYTHING. IT WASN’T EVEN THAT HARD.
That is a GINORMOUS apartment for a not-particularly-wealthy college student.
OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOUBLE FRIDGING SERIES
Sam, you really need to learn to control your evil-baby powers.
Characters so far:
Rating: 1/10 WOULD NOT WATCH AGAIN
On the other hand, lots of good series have terrible first episodes. I’ll stick around a little longer.
Episode 2: Wendigo (P.S. Boy I wish I knew this title when I watched the episode, it would make guessing the monster a lot easier.)
“Previously on Supernatural: Evil-babies and fridges. Also, Dean is a dick.”
This Previously On is more like a bad movie trailer than a recap.
The opening credits still suck, what little there is of them.
Ooh, campers. Calling it, this episode involves either hookhands or a guy in a hockey mask.
Okay, it might be werewolves. This epiosde is SLIGHTLY less predictable than last week.
Too tall to be a werewolf, I think. Evil-bear?
I hope the evil-bears don’t team up with the evil-babies, they’ll kill us all!
Speaking of evil-babies, here’s Sam visiting the grave of Jessica. “Beloved Daughter,” because even in death she exists solely as relationships with other people.
Oh, wait, it was a nightmare. Sam should have protected her, because Men Protect and Women Get Killed By Evil-Baby Powers.
Yeah, Sam, because there are never any monsters in the middle of nowhere.
I knew it was evil-bears!
Tommy looks like a douchebro. It’s the shell necklace, wearing one is almost as bad as being named Troy.
Bear on the wall of the local bar. Why did the camera highlight it? GHOST BEARS, that’s why.
Corporeal, so not a ghost. That’s good.
Dean’s being surprisingly non-dickish this episode.
Hayley continues to almost show twinges of approaching something vaguely resembling a personality. She Cares About Her Family, which is one character trait more than Jess or the Winchester’s mom (did she even have a NAME?) ever got.
No, eat the guy with the douchebro shell necklace!
...Dammit.
“Why didn’t you tell me that from the start?” That’s a really fucking good question, and Dean fails utterly to answer it. But the plot requires that Hayley stop questioning after 30 seconds, so she does, even though Dean’s answer is bullshit from her perspective.
“Looks like a Grizzly.” I give 30 seconds until somebody says something like “No grizzly did this.”
Almost a full minute, and the actual line was “It’s no skinwalker or black dog.” I’m slipping.
Their dad’s notebook is going to be this series’ Junior Woodchucks Guidebook, isn’t it?
Dammit, Haley, you have no reason to listen to any of this!
Also, WTF? Anasazi lived in the southwest, why the hell would they have anti-Wendigo symbols?
“Why doesnt he just call us, tell us what he wants?” Same reason Hailey accepts all the stuff you tell her—because otherwise there’s no show.
“Roy, don’t leave the circle, you’ll die!” “Guess we’d better leave the circle.”
Fortunately, the Winchesters have main character and/or evil-baby powers, so the Wendigo doesn’t kill them.
Ah, the Harry Dresden approach. Fire kills everything.
...I wish I were reading Dresden Files right now. As deeply problematic supernatural adventures go, it’s about 10,000x better than this.
This series seriously loves dribbling blood on people. I think if I had to pick a motif from the first episode to continue, that would be near the bottom.
Evil-babies are the top, of course.
Oh noes, the Wendigo captured the Disposable Woman (tm) and the jerkass. How awful.
Trail of M&Ms! It’s like E.T.
Except those were Reese’s Pieces.
E.T. was the first movie I ever saw in a theater. To this day I crave Reese’s Pieces every time I watch a movie. Fuck you, Steven Spielberg, inventor of product placement.
Oh yay. Douchebro’s alive.
So far Hailey is the single character in this series I dislike least.
Followed closely by the Wendigo.
I keep typing Windigo. Dammit, ponies!
Dammit Sam, if bullets don’t hurt it WHY ARE YOU WAVING A GUN AROUND.
DEAN HAS ONE TOO. DO YOU NOT EVEN LISTEN TO YOUR OWN NONSENSE?
Because a lethal weapon that can kill you or your allies, but can’t hurt your enemies, is totally something you should be waving around.
Wait, is that actually a flare gun? Okay, fair enough.
Apparently Wendigos are made of papier mache and have lighter fluid for blood. Handy!
THIS IS A LESSON, DEAN. Stop being a dick, and women who almost have personalities might kiss you chastely after you save them and their brothers from Wendigoes.
...It is a fairly situationally specific lesson.
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics):
2/10 I HATE YOU BUT NOT QUITE AS MUCH AS LAST EPISODE
Episode 3: Dead in the Water
“Previously on Supernatural, incredibly silly-looking titles, and only three scenes from episode two, one of which didn’t happen!”
Seriously, GET A THEME SONG.
Sophie looks really familiar, what else was she in? And “buff” is not remotely the word I’d use for her. “Petite,” possibly.
She’s being stalked by the camera... so just like every other woman in every other work of horror ever. Nicely creepy sound effects, though.
This show is now 1/5 on keeping named woman characters alive.
ASDJKL; you follow yet another dead woman with THAT? Seriously, series, W.T.F.
You know, if Sam were a woman, like 90% of the series’ problems would be reduced or solved. You could change not one word of a single script, and it would all work better.
Just saying.
Also, I’m annoyed at myself for taking this long to notice, but... how is this show managing to be EVEN WHITER THAN BUFFY?
Seriously? So you’re just straight-up admitting Dean and Sam are based on Han and Luke? I *knew* this show was George Lucas’ fault!
Hmm, evil-babies and evil-bears so far... given the way the camera was stalking her, I’m thinking evil-shark... wait, no, Loch Ness monster. So... evil-hoax-by-a-gynecologist-propped-up-by-the-tourist-industry.
I bet the Dad is the gynecologist, that’s why they can’t talk to him.
OH MY GOD IS THAT FRED
I CAN’T TELL IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HER BUT I’M NOT SURE
Lucas? The kid’s name is Lucas!? I KNEW IT WAS LUCAS’ FAULT!
OH MY GOD IT IS IT’S FRED
BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN THIS SHOW
...and she’s unlikely to survive the episode. Fuck.
Crap, she’s Lucas’ mom? That little evil-baby bastard, she’s toast. Probably literally.
AND SHE’S NOT TAKING DEAN’S SHIT. BEST CHARACTER.
Shit, I see where this is going. Evil-baby is going to learn the gynecologist-dad killed Fred’s husband and BURN THE WORLD.
Wow, Lucas’ drawings are pretty good. It’s almost like he’s a staff artist pretending to draw like a child.
Wait, is Dean actually trying to connect to the kid? I can only assume he has some seriously dickish motive.
Lucas took the picture. You might think that’s because Dean’s getting through to him, but inside, Lucas is gloating about how much better of an artist he is.
Please tell me that’s a drawing of the Winchester house before it burned, confirming Lucas’ evil-baby powers.
That or Lucas’ dad was eaten by an angry, rampaging split-level two bedroom, one-and-a-half bath. That would also be acceptable.
OH NO, SOPHIE’S BROTHER. THE WATER IS ANGRY.
YES, PUT YOUR HAND IN THE EVIL WATER AND BE EATEN BY THE DRAIN DEMONS
...Called it.
Wait. Only his face and arm are in the water, and we can see both. Is he ACTUALLY BEING PULLED IN BY THE WATER ITSELF? That is the most ridiculous thing ever!
Yes, lake demon, killing everyone in town will definitely get the dam fixed and not cause people to just abandon the town and let the dam collapse.
“Mr. Carlton... are you a gynecologist?”
Okay, I actually do feel for Mr. Carlton. I saw what outliving his children did to my grandfather. It’s the first time this show has genuinely made me feel anything other than annoyance or contempt.
...Amy Acker is totally being wasted on this generic-ass Mother of the Witness role.
Oh no. No. Fuck you, Dean. You do NOT tell a little kid who just lost their parent to be strong or brave or any bullshit like that, that’s how you turn them into emotionally closed-off wrecks who are afraid to feel anything... sound familiar, Dean?
Again, I would care WAY more about the Winchesters if Dean were less of an asshole and Sam had anything resembling a personality.
IT ACTUALLY IS AN EVIL-BABY GHOST POSSESSING LUCAS
THIS EPISODE JUST GOT A WHOLE POINT BECAUSE EVIL-BABIES
Unless it turns out that Peter was just the first victim, in that case I’m taking all the points.
Oh please tell me Carlton killed Peter and Peter is taking his evil-baby revenge?
Because that would mean that Carlton was an evil-baby too!
IF THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT AN EVIL-BABY POSSESSED BY AN EVIL-BABY TAKING REVENGE ON AN EVIL-BABY I WILL DO A CARLTON DANCE
Jonas reminds Dean of himself, leading Dean to the realization that other human beings exist and have feelings. Dean normally just thinks of them as toys, especially if they have boobies.
THE SHERIFF SEES THROUGH THEIR LIES. He is the best local law enforcement on this show. Possibly the best small-town sheriff on television since that show with the guy. It had Don Knotts, but I’m talking about the other guy. You know. Him.
You know, Dean and Sam, you’d have an easier time of this if you stopped pretending to be government agents and just admitted to being nosy busybodies. Just tell people you’re writing a book or something.
OH MY GOD JONAS IS DRAWING SPIRALS NOW I AM REMINDED OF SOMETHING ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY SCARY
UNLIKE ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THIS SHOW AT ALL EVER
But seriously, read Uzumaki, it’s good. It gets really silly, but in a good way.
I am seriously jealous of Amy Acker’s tub.
Hmm, so Lucas isn’t actually an evil-baby or possessed by the evil-baby, he just has some sort of connection to the evil-baby? But... but... he’s Lucas! And this is all Lucas’ fault!
“Come play with me?” It’s either an evil-baby or Jenny Greenteeth.
THERE ARE MORE EVIL-BABIES
THE SHERIFF IS ONE TOO
THIS IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN WALFORD’S EVER HAD
But of course inexplicably psychic Lucas will lead them to the body.
YEAH! EVIL-BABY VS EVIL-BABY
NO MATTER WHO DIES, WE ALL WIN
Maybe the Winchesters will drown and Andrea will be the main character from now on
I would much rather watch that show
I like how Fred is watching Dean rescue her son, and she’s all sobbing and “No! No, Dean and baby George Lucas! I was hoping you’d both die and rid the world of your assholery!”
This time Dean’s chaste kiss was moderately closer to his mouth! It’s like the narrative is rewarding him for being slightly less of an asshole!
DAMMIT THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS EPISODE IS THAT IT MEANS AMY ACKER WILL NEVER BE ON THE SHOW AGAIN
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, starting next time I’m going to drop characters who haven’t been seen in three episodes and I don’t think are going to return):
Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 3
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot: 1.5
4.5/10 BUT MOST OF THAT IS EVIL-BABIES
Also I took off half a point for the pointless fanservice in the diner and Amy Acker’s bathroom
DO NOT PANDER TO ME SHOW IT WILL NOT SAVE YOU
So I decided to watch it in synch with Mark, one episode at a time, the night before his review of that episode goes up. Taking a cue from how I've commented on his Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood Reviews, I watched the episode on the right half of the screen while taking notes on the left half. For FMA:B, my notes were generally a mix of insights, praise for good moments, and silly jokes. But for that first episode of Supernatural...
For that first episode of Supernatural, my notes were nothing but snark. Because, it turns out, I don't like Supernatural. I don't dislike Supernatural. At least now, three episodes in, I feel nothing but contempt for Supernatural. It does not deserve analysis or even a sensible recap; all it gets are my stream-of-consciousness thoughts while watching and reactions to what I see on screen. These might make more sense if you watch them with the episodes, but that would require watching Supernatural, so I recommend against it.
Please note, the comments for these posts in particular are a SPOILER FREE ZONE. Do NOT post spoilers, part of the point of this project is that I have no idea what's coming. "Oh man, you won't believe it but your guess is totally right!" counts as a spoiler. So does "I can't believe how wrong you are about that guess," and "Oh, you have a problem with that, don't worry, it gets better." ANYTHING which is not immediately obvious from the episodes I have seen so far is a spoiler.
Anyway, that aside, here's this week's snark:
Episode 1: Pilot
Been meaning to try this show for a while now. Here’s what I know about this series:
- There are brothers.
- People occasionally compare them to the Elrics?
- I think they have a car. And a shotgun? Or a rifle? Something like that. Is it a supernatural shotgun that shoots, like, demon bullets?
- It is popular on the Tumblrs.
- Supernatural things happen? Like, magic? Monsters I’m guessing?
- There is a character named Cassiel.
- Cassiel is the Latin form of Qaphsiel, the Qabbalistic archangel of the moon, who has power to transport people and things through space. I don’t know how much of this is relevant, but I’m guessing he’s either an angel, a demon, or an alien.
- Reliable sources tell me it starts strong, but suffers from increasing genderfail as it goes.
Aw, what a sweet, loving family to whom nothing bad could ever happen.
Does the baby have evil powers? Tell me the baby has evil powers. I mean moreso than babies normally do.
That didn’t look like her husband in the baby’s room. Was it him?
Ah. No. It wasn’t.
THE BABY ATE HER
NOW HE IS A HAPPY EVIL-BABY
EVIL-BABY is crying at the hellfire. He doesn’t like the competition.
So, when they were little their mother died and their house burned down. I DO NOT SEE WHY PEOPLE COMPARE THEM TO THE ELRICS. NOPE, NOT AT ALL.
Those were the shortest, least interesting credits ever.
“Where’s your costume?” “I’m going as EVIL-BABY, can’t you tell?”
So they spar a lot as adults? And the younger one is taller? And their father is missing? I STILL DON’T SEE THE RESEMBLANCE TO THE ELRICS.
Let’s argue as a transparent excuse to explain the plot to the audience! *yawn*
Not to mention the standard getting-the-band-back-together vs. I’m-retired-now plot.
I knew they had a car!
Men disappearing on a stretch of road, woman’s voice saying “I can never go home?” Oh, please tell me this isn’t an evil version of the vanishing hitchhiker.
Girl by side of road, hitting on guy with car? Dammit, it’s worse, it’s a sexy evil version of the vanishing hitchhiker.
Dude, I can hear your accent. You were a teenager in the U.S. YOU KNOW WHAT A VANISHING HITCHHIKER IS. RUN AWAY.
THANK YOU.
Except that you’re not a main character, so if you’re runnign away that means running away doesn’t work.
Okay, why did none of the reports mention the BLOOD in the cars? You would think that is SLIGHTLY IMPORTANT. Kind of makes it unlikely it was a kidnapping.
Black Sabbath, Motorhead, and Metallica. I HAVE NO ISSUES WITH THIS SELECTION.
“No sign of struggle.” WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLOOD THEN?
Troy Squire is possibly the frattiest frat-boy name ever fratted.
Okay, if the vanishing hitchhiker kills whoever picks her up, HOW DOES ANYONE KNOW THE STORY? I HATE GHOST STORIES LIKE THIS SO VERY MUCH BECAUSE THEY MAKE NO SENSE.
Oh look, it’s another urban legend, the double bathtub drowning baby.
Sam looks a very little bit like Walter White, Jr. Are they related?
I just cannot get into the character stuff when the plot of the episode is so distractingly bad.
So... just because you say you have the same last name, the hotel owner lets you into the room?
Ooh, salt circle. Okay, that earns a point for accuracy.
Wow, I kind of hate Dean? I merely dislike Sam. This is going swimmingly.
I am so sick of jackass bullies who take nothing seriously as main characters. As with everything else in modern media, I blame George Lucas.
I would complain about the incompetence of the police officers, but, you know, police officers.
Oh no, now Sam’s virtuous heart and refusal to cheat on Jessica will break the curse.
I guess I’m supposed to be curious about where their dad’s gone? If I had any reason to care about them I probably would be.
I kinda like the holes appearing in his chest, but the evil ghost face is silly.
Yeah, Dean, shoot the ghost, that always works.
Maybe if the first 30 shots don’t kill her, the next one will!
I do like that the solution was not “Sam is too good for the ghost to kill,” but rather “drive a car through the wall and let the evil-baby ghosts handle the rest.”
HOLY FUCK THOSE EVIL-BABIES ARE CREEPY AS FUCK.
YES, EVIL-BABIES, YOU GO TO HELL WITH YOUR MOMMY. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE.
I will happily watch this series if every episode is evil-babies.
Okay, seriously, were you not paying attention? OF COURSE THIS IS WHERE SHE DROWNED HER BABIES, THAT WAS SUPER OBVIOUS.
Somehow I suspect the narrative will punish Sam for pursuing his dreams rather than remaining a slave to his family’s wishes and lifestyle.
WHAT TEAM, DEAN? SAM DID EVERYTHING. IT WASN’T EVEN THAT HARD.
That is a GINORMOUS apartment for a not-particularly-wealthy college student.
OH FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOUBLE FRIDGING SERIES
Sam, you really need to learn to control your evil-baby powers.
Characters so far:
- Drunken, absent father
- Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming
- Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
- Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy
- Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
- Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
- Assorted evil-babies
Rating: 1/10 WOULD NOT WATCH AGAIN
On the other hand, lots of good series have terrible first episodes. I’ll stick around a little longer.
Episode 2: Wendigo (P.S. Boy I wish I knew this title when I watched the episode, it would make guessing the monster a lot easier.)
“Previously on Supernatural: Evil-babies and fridges. Also, Dean is a dick.”
This Previously On is more like a bad movie trailer than a recap.
The opening credits still suck, what little there is of them.
Ooh, campers. Calling it, this episode involves either hookhands or a guy in a hockey mask.
Okay, it might be werewolves. This epiosde is SLIGHTLY less predictable than last week.
Too tall to be a werewolf, I think. Evil-bear?
I hope the evil-bears don’t team up with the evil-babies, they’ll kill us all!
Speaking of evil-babies, here’s Sam visiting the grave of Jessica. “Beloved Daughter,” because even in death she exists solely as relationships with other people.
Oh, wait, it was a nightmare. Sam should have protected her, because Men Protect and Women Get Killed By Evil-Baby Powers.
Yeah, Sam, because there are never any monsters in the middle of nowhere.
I knew it was evil-bears!
Tommy looks like a douchebro. It’s the shell necklace, wearing one is almost as bad as being named Troy.
Bear on the wall of the local bar. Why did the camera highlight it? GHOST BEARS, that’s why.
Corporeal, so not a ghost. That’s good.
Dean’s being surprisingly non-dickish this episode.
Hayley continues to almost show twinges of approaching something vaguely resembling a personality. She Cares About Her Family, which is one character trait more than Jess or the Winchester’s mom (did she even have a NAME?) ever got.
No, eat the guy with the douchebro shell necklace!
...Dammit.
“Why didn’t you tell me that from the start?” That’s a really fucking good question, and Dean fails utterly to answer it. But the plot requires that Hayley stop questioning after 30 seconds, so she does, even though Dean’s answer is bullshit from her perspective.
“Looks like a Grizzly.” I give 30 seconds until somebody says something like “No grizzly did this.”
Almost a full minute, and the actual line was “It’s no skinwalker or black dog.” I’m slipping.
Their dad’s notebook is going to be this series’ Junior Woodchucks Guidebook, isn’t it?
Dammit, Haley, you have no reason to listen to any of this!
Also, WTF? Anasazi lived in the southwest, why the hell would they have anti-Wendigo symbols?
“Why doesnt he just call us, tell us what he wants?” Same reason Hailey accepts all the stuff you tell her—because otherwise there’s no show.
“Roy, don’t leave the circle, you’ll die!” “Guess we’d better leave the circle.”
Fortunately, the Winchesters have main character and/or evil-baby powers, so the Wendigo doesn’t kill them.
Ah, the Harry Dresden approach. Fire kills everything.
...I wish I were reading Dresden Files right now. As deeply problematic supernatural adventures go, it’s about 10,000x better than this.
This series seriously loves dribbling blood on people. I think if I had to pick a motif from the first episode to continue, that would be near the bottom.
Evil-babies are the top, of course.
Oh noes, the Wendigo captured the Disposable Woman (tm) and the jerkass. How awful.
Trail of M&Ms! It’s like E.T.
Except those were Reese’s Pieces.
E.T. was the first movie I ever saw in a theater. To this day I crave Reese’s Pieces every time I watch a movie. Fuck you, Steven Spielberg, inventor of product placement.
Oh yay. Douchebro’s alive.
So far Hailey is the single character in this series I dislike least.
Followed closely by the Wendigo.
I keep typing Windigo. Dammit, ponies!
Dammit Sam, if bullets don’t hurt it WHY ARE YOU WAVING A GUN AROUND.
DEAN HAS ONE TOO. DO YOU NOT EVEN LISTEN TO YOUR OWN NONSENSE?
Because a lethal weapon that can kill you or your allies, but can’t hurt your enemies, is totally something you should be waving around.
Wait, is that actually a flare gun? Okay, fair enough.
Apparently Wendigos are made of papier mache and have lighter fluid for blood. Handy!
THIS IS A LESSON, DEAN. Stop being a dick, and women who almost have personalities might kiss you chastely after you save them and their brothers from Wendigoes.
...It is a fairly situationally specific lesson.
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics):
- Drunken, absent father
- Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Only he is slightly less dickish this episode, yay!
- Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
- Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy
- Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
- Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot
- Assorted evil-babies
- Shell-necklace douchebro
- Woman who almost, but not quite, has a character
- Woman and douchebro’s little brother who exists for some reason, it’s not clear why
- Dickish hunter who, like, doesn’t know, man. He ain’t seen the shit I seen, man. (deceased)
- Immortal super-fast cannibal made of crepe paper and gasoline (deceased)
2/10 I HATE YOU BUT NOT QUITE AS MUCH AS LAST EPISODE
Episode 3: Dead in the Water
“Previously on Supernatural, incredibly silly-looking titles, and only three scenes from episode two, one of which didn’t happen!”
Seriously, GET A THEME SONG.
Sophie looks really familiar, what else was she in? And “buff” is not remotely the word I’d use for her. “Petite,” possibly.
She’s being stalked by the camera... so just like every other woman in every other work of horror ever. Nicely creepy sound effects, though.
This show is now 1/5 on keeping named woman characters alive.
ASDJKL; you follow yet another dead woman with THAT? Seriously, series, W.T.F.
You know, if Sam were a woman, like 90% of the series’ problems would be reduced or solved. You could change not one word of a single script, and it would all work better.
Just saying.
Also, I’m annoyed at myself for taking this long to notice, but... how is this show managing to be EVEN WHITER THAN BUFFY?
Seriously? So you’re just straight-up admitting Dean and Sam are based on Han and Luke? I *knew* this show was George Lucas’ fault!
Hmm, evil-babies and evil-bears so far... given the way the camera was stalking her, I’m thinking evil-shark... wait, no, Loch Ness monster. So... evil-hoax-by-a-gynecologist-propped-up-by-the-tourist-industry.
I bet the Dad is the gynecologist, that’s why they can’t talk to him.
OH MY GOD IS THAT FRED
I CAN’T TELL IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HER BUT I’M NOT SURE
Lucas? The kid’s name is Lucas!? I KNEW IT WAS LUCAS’ FAULT!
OH MY GOD IT IS IT’S FRED
BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN THIS SHOW
...and she’s unlikely to survive the episode. Fuck.
Crap, she’s Lucas’ mom? That little evil-baby bastard, she’s toast. Probably literally.
AND SHE’S NOT TAKING DEAN’S SHIT. BEST CHARACTER.
Shit, I see where this is going. Evil-baby is going to learn the gynecologist-dad killed Fred’s husband and BURN THE WORLD.
Wow, Lucas’ drawings are pretty good. It’s almost like he’s a staff artist pretending to draw like a child.
Wait, is Dean actually trying to connect to the kid? I can only assume he has some seriously dickish motive.
Lucas took the picture. You might think that’s because Dean’s getting through to him, but inside, Lucas is gloating about how much better of an artist he is.
Please tell me that’s a drawing of the Winchester house before it burned, confirming Lucas’ evil-baby powers.
That or Lucas’ dad was eaten by an angry, rampaging split-level two bedroom, one-and-a-half bath. That would also be acceptable.
OH NO, SOPHIE’S BROTHER. THE WATER IS ANGRY.
YES, PUT YOUR HAND IN THE EVIL WATER AND BE EATEN BY THE DRAIN DEMONS
...Called it.
Wait. Only his face and arm are in the water, and we can see both. Is he ACTUALLY BEING PULLED IN BY THE WATER ITSELF? That is the most ridiculous thing ever!
Yes, lake demon, killing everyone in town will definitely get the dam fixed and not cause people to just abandon the town and let the dam collapse.
“Mr. Carlton... are you a gynecologist?”
Okay, I actually do feel for Mr. Carlton. I saw what outliving his children did to my grandfather. It’s the first time this show has genuinely made me feel anything other than annoyance or contempt.
...Amy Acker is totally being wasted on this generic-ass Mother of the Witness role.
Oh no. No. Fuck you, Dean. You do NOT tell a little kid who just lost their parent to be strong or brave or any bullshit like that, that’s how you turn them into emotionally closed-off wrecks who are afraid to feel anything... sound familiar, Dean?
Again, I would care WAY more about the Winchesters if Dean were less of an asshole and Sam had anything resembling a personality.
IT ACTUALLY IS AN EVIL-BABY GHOST POSSESSING LUCAS
THIS EPISODE JUST GOT A WHOLE POINT BECAUSE EVIL-BABIES
Unless it turns out that Peter was just the first victim, in that case I’m taking all the points.
Oh please tell me Carlton killed Peter and Peter is taking his evil-baby revenge?
Because that would mean that Carlton was an evil-baby too!
IF THIS EPISODE IS ABOUT AN EVIL-BABY POSSESSED BY AN EVIL-BABY TAKING REVENGE ON AN EVIL-BABY I WILL DO A CARLTON DANCE
Jonas reminds Dean of himself, leading Dean to the realization that other human beings exist and have feelings. Dean normally just thinks of them as toys, especially if they have boobies.
THE SHERIFF SEES THROUGH THEIR LIES. He is the best local law enforcement on this show. Possibly the best small-town sheriff on television since that show with the guy. It had Don Knotts, but I’m talking about the other guy. You know. Him.
You know, Dean and Sam, you’d have an easier time of this if you stopped pretending to be government agents and just admitted to being nosy busybodies. Just tell people you’re writing a book or something.
OH MY GOD JONAS IS DRAWING SPIRALS NOW I AM REMINDED OF SOMETHING ACTUALLY LEGITIMATELY SCARY
UNLIKE ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IN THIS SHOW AT ALL EVER
But seriously, read Uzumaki, it’s good. It gets really silly, but in a good way.
I am seriously jealous of Amy Acker’s tub.
Hmm, so Lucas isn’t actually an evil-baby or possessed by the evil-baby, he just has some sort of connection to the evil-baby? But... but... he’s Lucas! And this is all Lucas’ fault!
“Come play with me?” It’s either an evil-baby or Jenny Greenteeth.
THERE ARE MORE EVIL-BABIES
THE SHERIFF IS ONE TOO
THIS IS THE BEST HALLOWEEN WALFORD’S EVER HAD
But of course inexplicably psychic Lucas will lead them to the body.
YEAH! EVIL-BABY VS EVIL-BABY
NO MATTER WHO DIES, WE ALL WIN
Maybe the Winchesters will drown and Andrea will be the main character from now on
I would much rather watch that show
I like how Fred is watching Dean rescue her son, and she’s all sobbing and “No! No, Dean and baby George Lucas! I was hoping you’d both die and rid the world of your assholery!”
This time Dean’s chaste kiss was moderately closer to his mouth! It’s like the narrative is rewarding him for being slightly less of an asshole!
DAMMIT THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS EPISODE IS THAT IT MEANS AMY ACKER WILL NEVER BE ON THE SHOW AGAIN
Characters so far (characters appearing in this episode are in italics, starting next time I’m going to drop characters who haven’t been seen in three episodes and I don’t think are going to return):
- Drunken, absent father
- Jerkass bully who insults everyone he meets, and we’re expected to find him charming Only he is continuing to be slightly less dickish except at the beginning, yay!
- Milquetoast who is secretly evil-baby with evil-baby fiery lady-fridging powers he can’t control
- Evil baby- and unfaithful-men-murdering ghost woman vanishing hitchhiker thingy (deceased)
- Disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
- Other disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot (deceased)
- Assorted evil-babies This is a recurring character I’m counting it
- Shell-necklace douchebro
- Woman who almost, but not quite, has a character
- Woman and douchebro’s little brother who exists for some reason, it’s not clear why
- Dickish hunter who, like, doesn’t know, man. He ain’t seen the shit I seen, man. (deceased)
- Immortal super-fast cannibal made of crepe paper and gasoline (deceased)
- Yet another disposable woman who exists solely to die in a horrible, painful way to create drama for the male characters and further the plot, also she is not buff and really very cute, not that you can’t be buff and cute, just ask Alex Armstrong (deceased)
- Asshole brother of disposable woman who claimed men don’t like buff women because apparently all men like the same things (deceased)
- Dad of disposable woman, also an evil-baby (deceased)
- Sheriff who is the smartest sheriff. Andy Griffith! That was his name. Yeah. Basically Andy Griffith if he was an evil-baby and Opie was played by Amy Acker. ...I think I just accidentally spoiled Joss Whedon’s next movie.
- Where was I?
- Oh yeah. The sheriff is also an evil-baby. (Deceased)
- Amy Acker because she needed some quick cash, or at least that’s what I’m assuming because it can’t have been the juicy part or thrilling script, this show doesn’t have those
- Amy Acker naked in a tub because it was a lot of cash, she’s got bills, you know how it is
- Lucas who is apparently not an evil-baby despite being named after the man who single-handedly destroyed American movies forever. His full name is probably, like, George John Campbell Lucas McSamePlot or something. Whatever, no Carlton dance for you.
- Lake-dwelling evil-baby (deceased)
- THE SPIRALS BE AFRAID
- The Winchesters should visit Kurozu-cho. Is there fanfic of this? I want it.
- Actually, screw the Winchesters, make it Shimon and Kamina instead, that’d be way more interesting.
- Is that all the characters? I hope so, I no longer care
Disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot counter: 3
Average disposable women who exist solely to die in horrible, painful ways to create drama for the male characters and further the plot: 1.5
4.5/10 BUT MOST OF THAT IS EVIL-BABIES
Also I took off half a point for the pointless fanservice in the diner and Amy Acker’s bathroom
DO NOT PANDER TO ME SHOW IT WILL NOT SAVE YOU
Friday, November 1, 2013
As usual, I apologize for nothing
Lust: Prepare for trouble!
Envy: And make it double!
Lust: To transmute the people of this nation!
Envy: And make blood seals of devastation!
Lust: To denounce the evils of Truth and love!
Envy: And rule all things--as below, above!
Lust: Lust!
Envy: Envy!
Lust: Team Homunculi, crushing humans with our might!
Envy: Surrender now by red soul-light!
Gluttony: Can I eat them now?
Envy: And make it double!
Lust: To transmute the people of this nation!
Envy: And make blood seals of devastation!
Lust: To denounce the evils of Truth and love!
Envy: And rule all things--as below, above!
Lust: Lust!
Envy: Envy!
Lust: Team Homunculi, crushing humans with our might!
Envy: Surrender now by red soul-light!
Gluttony: Can I eat them now?
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